Identity Crisis…
I do not know who I am. I do not know what neither my weaknesses nor my strengths are. I do not know what my full potential is. I cannot trust my emotions at times since it has led me to bad situations in the past. I don’t know, maybe I could trust it at times.
I don’t know who I am. All I know for sure is what my friends tell me. I also know that I am not an open book. Here in my blog is the only place I actually put everything I feel. Sometimes, not even what I feel, but what I have learned. I put everything I have learned about myself here in this very blog. And I know that it still isn’t enough. There are still places in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind that I dare not venture into because of the fear of what I may find.
What if in truth I have a demon waiting to be awakened inside me? I don’t know…who I am nor what I am capable of doing.
Someone asked me why I don’t open up…all I said in reply was…”How can I let people know who I am/what’s inside me, if I myself don’t know who I am/what’s inside me?”
What if I do have a dark side and when I let people in, I end up hurting them? I cannot risk that. I want to know who I really am. And I want to know all of it. Well, at least everyday I learn a little bit more about myself and hopefully in time…I would know enough…
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Death…
Why do people have to die? Sure there are different reasons why people die. For instance, people die because of different crimes, others because of sicknesses, others of accidents, while others die of other causes.
I just finished watching the 2 episodes of season 2 of “Six Feet Under”, namely, episodes 14 and 15. It were the episodes where Nate (the elder of the 2 Fisher brothers) found out he had something in his brain that may eventually end up killing him. He didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but in the end of episode 15, he told David, his younger, gay brother about it. He was scared. And come to think of it…I would be too.
What if I woke up one day, to a big bed, with my wife looking at me with a smile on her face, with the kids running into the room telling me good morning? What if that morning I wore my suit, got my briefcase, papers and drove to work, but on the way to work I met an accident? What if I survived that accident without a scratch on me? What if I went back home, went to sleep and forgot it ever happened? What if, from that day on…I found out that from that accident, I had a blood clot in my brain and that that was the beginning of the end of my life?
What would happen to my wife, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends? What would happen to me? How would I take it? What would I do? What would I think? What?
Would I do anything possible to stay alive? Would I empty the bank accounts and look for the best doctors to cure me? Or would I then think about the kids and the wife? Would I then buy all of my kids education plans? Would I get a pension plan so at least when I’m gone, my family would still get some money to get by? Or…would I just sit down and wait for it?
To be honest, I do not know…I used to believe that I wasn’t afraid to die. I believed that it would come eventually and that it happens to everyone so there shouldn’t be anything that I should be afraid of. Oh, was I wrong. I started to think about it tonight. And to be honest…I am dead scared. I know I’m 18 fucking years old. I smoke…I don’t drink…I sleep irregularly…and I do drive recklessly sometimes. I am too young to be thinking about these stuff. I know that I’m just thinking crazy thoughts. But…all I know is that I do have a lot of plans for the future, but one thing I have come to realize among the years, is that plans change. Nothing goes according to plan. Something may happen that you wouldn’t have had thought of, which ends up screwing everything…but what the hell…dreams are only a guideline right?
So in the end, I am afraid to die. That’s one thing that I do know now for certain…I guess that you do learn something about yourself everyday huh?
Why do people have to die? Sure there are different reasons why people die. For instance, people die because of different crimes, others because of sicknesses, others of accidents, while others die of other causes.
I just finished watching the 2 episodes of season 2 of “Six Feet Under”, namely, episodes 14 and 15. It were the episodes where Nate (the elder of the 2 Fisher brothers) found out he had something in his brain that may eventually end up killing him. He didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but in the end of episode 15, he told David, his younger, gay brother about it. He was scared. And come to think of it…I would be too.
What if I woke up one day, to a big bed, with my wife looking at me with a smile on her face, with the kids running into the room telling me good morning? What if that morning I wore my suit, got my briefcase, papers and drove to work, but on the way to work I met an accident? What if I survived that accident without a scratch on me? What if I went back home, went to sleep and forgot it ever happened? What if, from that day on…I found out that from that accident, I had a blood clot in my brain and that that was the beginning of the end of my life?
What would happen to my wife, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends? What would happen to me? How would I take it? What would I do? What would I think? What?
Would I do anything possible to stay alive? Would I empty the bank accounts and look for the best doctors to cure me? Or would I then think about the kids and the wife? Would I then buy all of my kids education plans? Would I get a pension plan so at least when I’m gone, my family would still get some money to get by? Or…would I just sit down and wait for it?
To be honest, I do not know…I used to believe that I wasn’t afraid to die. I believed that it would come eventually and that it happens to everyone so there shouldn’t be anything that I should be afraid of. Oh, was I wrong. I started to think about it tonight. And to be honest…I am dead scared. I know I’m 18 fucking years old. I smoke…I don’t drink…I sleep irregularly…and I do drive recklessly sometimes. I am too young to be thinking about these stuff. I know that I’m just thinking crazy thoughts. But…all I know is that I do have a lot of plans for the future, but one thing I have come to realize among the years, is that plans change. Nothing goes according to plan. Something may happen that you wouldn’t have had thought of, which ends up screwing everything…but what the hell…dreams are only a guideline right?
So in the end, I am afraid to die. That’s one thing that I do know now for certain…I guess that you do learn something about yourself everyday huh?
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