Sigh...

Once upon a midnight dreary,
I lie in bed, sad and weary.
Staring in a saddened gaze,
stumbling around in my own forgotten maze.

Hearing voices and echoes around,
but no other person is to be found.
Looking left and right for someone to see,
but all I know is that there is no one but me.

Around me images from days gone by,
time and time again that just flown by.
Something about me as I watch dies,
All of those images, all dreams and lies.

I stumble around within my maze,
all fogged up by this mysterious haze.
I remember all those past forgotten days,
but I still don't know where the path before me lays.

I cry out in anger to leave this place behind,
but all I know is, it is all in my mind.
I just want to flee this god forsaken place,
as tears roll down my sad, pitiful face.

Days pass by and I'm still alone,
no one else out there, no other to call my own.
I run around till my legs give way,
and a voice from nowhere tells me to stay.

"Stay", a voice says tender and clear,
the voice rids me of all my fear.
"Fear not", the voice said so true,
"someday you shall find the one for you."

"But for now, you have to walk these musky halls alone,
not having anyone to call your own."
I hit the ground with all my strength,
cursing the maze I stay in, with all my breath.

I let the tears roll down my face,
am i truly alone in my own tragic ways?
How long will I go on alone...
alone without anyone to call my own...

how long will i be alone...without anyone to call my own....

Yeesshhh Mashteh...

Igor is a recurring set of characters in Terry Pratchett's Discworld series of novels. They are members of a clan of servants from the region of Überwald, all of which are named Igor. The Igors are based partially upon Mary Shelley's Frankenstein's Monster, and partially upon the hunchbacked assistants in Universal and Hammer's film versions. While they are born in the normal fashion, the clan's strong tradition of surgery usually means that by the time they would have grown to maturity in the natural way many of their body-parts have already been swapped around repeatedly, mostly within the clan.

While they are extremely diligent in using their surgical skills among themselves they are also careful to share them among the people around their homes, possibly in a bid to make sure that when the torch-bearing mob comes along to kill the latest freak of science the resident Igor will be spared. Patients are, however, usually required to allow an Igor to have a "rummage around" for useful organs when they are about to die.

When an Igor suffers irreparable damage (which is hard to achieve in people who install back-up hearts and a lightning rod down their backs), they are usually "broken down for thpareth"; their functioning body-parts are distributed amongst those who need them and their brains are conserved until such time as another Igor finds a semi-willing patient with irreparable head-trauma, or manages to construct a suitable body from available parts. The Igors themselves describe the system with the words: "What goeth around cometh around." They have a strange ability to be at your side when you call them, and at a door before you knock. An Igor servant is considered a must by all members of the Überwald upper class, and, naturally, by any serious mad scientist.

The male members of the Igor clan traditionally lisp, are considered very good catches for any young lady, and their daughters tend to be very attractive ("Eyes on the same level, that sort of thing?" as Samuel Vimes once mentioned). The female members (the attractive ones) tend to not show their stitches, but share the talent of the males. They also don't generally lisp. Female members of the Igor family are named Igorina.

One Igor, considered "too modern" for Überwald by his family, went with Samuel Vimes to Ankh-Morpork. He now works for the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. He specializes in genetic experiments ("bio-artificing"), which, on the Discworld, simply involves very small stitching. This Igor appears in The Fifth Elephant, The Truth and Night Watch.

Another Igor shipped himself to Ankh-Morpork to assist Jeremy Clockson in building a glass clock, as told in Thief of Time. This Igor is a member of an organisation called We R Igors (slogan:"A Spare Hand When Needed").

When Magpyr family went to Lancre they naturally brought along their Igor, who is more traditionally minded than his employers and has a dog named Scraps (or "Thcrapth") that he built himself. See Carpe Jugulum.

A Borogravian Igor served in the Cheesemongers with Private Perks, in the book Monstrous Regiment.

Reacher Gilt, the head of the Grand Trunk Company in Going Postal has an Igor.

Heroes...

With great power, comes great responsibility. Heroes. The way I see it, when most people think of heroes, they think of larger than life patriots. Men and women who have dedicated both their personal and professional lives to represent a symbol of hope to those whose life might seem hopeless. A colorful embodiment of selflessness. Of course, that’s not the only form a hero’s life can take, and there are so many places that our heroes come from. So many worlds within our world…worlds of magic…worlds of technology…worlds of intrigue…a world where a family of adventurers can bond together in the fight for the underdog. And when speaking of the underdogs of our society, one can’t help but think of the mutants. People whose entire existence is defined by their unique genetic birthright. And like every civil rights embattled minority before them, some mutants have come together using their celebrity and powers to help fight for their cause…while others wade through life’s persecutions and misunderstandings by attempting to live their everyday lives with nobility and grace. But a noble soul can whether they want to or not, find himself on a warrior’s path. Sometimes I wonder if being persecuted and embattled because of who they are makes the choice of becoming a warrior predestined. Predetermined. And that it’s the choice made there…when faced when faced with the unthinkable…that defines them…because we do not live in a black and white world. Cliché, but true. We live in a world where around any corner an act of violence is waiting that can change your life forever. And whether we want to admit it or not, it is at those times when we need someone who is willing to cross the line of what is technically, or morally, right and wrong. But with that comes the risk that the world can be so dark…and so compromised…that there can be no escape, no chance for happiness. So in my search for the hero I most admire…in my search for the definition of what a hero is…the one thing I realized is that I will eventually have to make certain, choices that will define me and my life. Or maybe I already have and don’t even recognize them yet. But I guess I don’t have to worry about it too much because of all the people in the everyday lives…in the news…in sports…in law enforcement…teachers…musicians…and yes, larger than life superheroes…all the people who stand for something bigger than ourselves. For me only one man…a man I have never met…has given me words to live by that I know I have to hold my life up to. I know they are the words that define a hero…that with great power comes great responsibility.

Fuck you...

If some of you people watched the 25th hour, you may remember Edward Norton's famous "Fuck You" Speech. If you haven't seen the movie...Here's the speech:

"Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from! Fuck the black-hatted Hasidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom! Fuck the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-inIi-cans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos. Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take fives steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on! Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville, J! Fuck Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fueled fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! "

Well, I've been holding a lot of stuff in...so here's my version. If I offend anybody, I'm sorry...I just hope you know where I'm coming from...well...(breathe's in) here goes...

Fuck you...fuck you for believing that you are better than me. Fuck you for not helping me when I needed help. Fuck you for pittying me. Fuck you for thinking that I am nothing. Fuck you Ateneans for thinking that you're all that. Fuck you Lasallites for thinking that everything is about you. Fuck you government officials for not seeing things the way you should be seeing them. Fuck you Filipinos for not telling other people to fuck off when they start stepping on your toes. Fuck you Americans for believing that you are a superior race. Fuck you for colonizing us then leaving us out to rot. Fuck you Policemen for being corrupt when in fact you should be the ones upholding the law. Fuck you carnappers for stealing my car. Fuck you murderers for killing all those people. Fuck you television networks for being one-sided. Fuck you news papers for just printing what you want to print. Fuck you piraters for helping destroy the music industry. Fuck you drug-addicts for destroying your bodies. Fuck you drug pushers for pushing all your shit on the helpless youth. Fuck you teenagers for thinking that everything in life is hell. Fuck you adults for making the lives of teenagers hell. Fuck you psychologists for stereotyping everyone. Fuck you guidance councilors for thinking that everyone has a problem. Fuck you I.S. Dept for not giving I.S. a better reputation. Fuck you I.S. majors for not standing up for yourselves and proving that we are good. Fuck you teachers who think that we suck just because we're in I.S. Fuck you...

Whew...that took a lot out of me...hehehe...

Sorry again if I offended you in some reason. But hopefully, if you read it, you can see that what i said did make sense. But some of the stuff...are pretty...coloquial, I mean, if you aren't from the Ateneo, you wouldn't get what i mean. Anyway...thats it

Shite...

Here I am. As you can tell, according to the "time posted" I haven't been sleeping. And this time, not due to school work...Well technically yes..But really no. School has been keeping me up a lot. But majority of the time, its not the work...But the fear. The fear is back. The fear of what tomorrow may bring. The fear that the consequences of my actions in the past will someday return and haunt me. The fear that I am not good enough. Fear of who I am, and who I will become.

According to Albert Dondeyne...there are three compontents to hitoricity. These three components are...1. that I am an embodied spirit 2. I am a being-together-with-others and 3. a being living in time. In this thought, I would rather focus on the second component...the "I am a being-together-with-others" one.

It is said that we as human beings...basically have a mutualism relationship going on. We get things from others while we ourselves give things too. We cannot rely on our own...as the cliche goes...no man is an island. Thus we rely on others, as well as others rely on us. This is the part that i am indeed skeptical of...well to be honest...weary of.

Sometimes, it is better to be on your own. Well...not sometimes in my case...but most of the time. As another cliche goes..."if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..." I believe in that line. Usually, in group works, I would rather do majority of the work, basically to ensure the security and the quality of the work is indeed up to my standards (which, for those who know me...isn't that high) but still...

Another reason why i would rather be alone...is...bascially for the betterment of other people. I have demons in my closet. Sure, some people say that they have skeletons in my closet...but compared to mine, those are just bunnies compared to what I have. At least skeletons don't speak to you, or haunt you. My demons haunt me on a regular basis. The demons of my past would never allow me to forget the thing that happened in my past. I know a lot of you are saying right now, as you read this entry that they haunt me because I cannot forgive myself for those deeds that i shall not may any mention of in any of my entries or verbally. Sure, it may be guilt that keeps them hanging there, however...it is not guilt that ails me every night..it is fear.

According to Sir Isaac Newton's third law of gravity..."for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." This law also coincides with the Chaos Theory, which therein states that every action has a consequence. Such as, if a butterfly flaps its wings over India, it causes a hurricane over South Florida (this, is something that I have yet to prove, however it is an example often used to reiterate the Chaos Theory).

I have accepted my deeds in the past. I have accepted and acknowledged the fact that I have demons. The things keeping me up at night, as I have explained earlier is fear. Fear of who I am and fear of what I WILL become. I fear that the actions that I have done in the past, will undoubtedly affect my life in the coming future ( a comic example...in the future, if ever i become rich, and powerful...pictures of me in a skirt shall be released into the public thus ruining my business and my career). Or...for a more realistic example...my failure to attain the required QPI of 19 last school year. Due to this, a bigger burden has been cast upon my shoulders to meet certain requirements that at this point in time is undoubtedly looking rather grimm. Or another example would be my lax behavior in handling my Music Night team regarding the finding of sponsors to fund the event. Which at this point looks even more grimm due to the fact that we do not have the funds to be able to pay for the acts and other such things.

But what does this have to do with being alone? What does this have to do with unacknowledging the second component of historicity?

In the end, what I am trying to say is...that I am a lone wolf. I tiger that stalks the jungles alone. Even though I am in constant look out for my other (which I still have to find out who...which i hope to realize in Philosophy 102 with Mr. Soh if ever I do reach second semester). But again, to the point...I push people away. It's not that I do not want the company...but it is because I fear for you...I fear that one day, I will hurt you. Fear that one day...you might hurt me.

Fear...aint it a sucker?

Onion...

Onion's...have layers. Such as me. I have layers. I mean, sure, if i have been your classmate in some class, you may see me just making smart-ass remarks, ticking people off and stuff...but to be honest, thats not me.

It is easier for people to accept you if they believe you're crazy. Thats a saying i live by. which is true. i know it goes against that whole..."our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. it is our light not our darkness that most frightens us. your playing small does not serve the world..." thing. i mean, but still sometimes, if people think you're up there (points up) its hard for them to accept you..especially if they believe that they are indeed lower....in some ways.

some people think...that just me...all hirits and stuff, but to be honest i'm not. im something deeper. there are a lot of things people dont know about me. things WHICH I WILL NOT DISCLOSE HERE thank you very much...

i'm just saying..im different...im unique..if that certain way you percieve me is like that..well what do you know...i may have made you percieve me like that..noh?

"hero..."

as some of you may not know..ive been on a downloading spree..to be precise comic book downloading spree....ive downloaded every hellblazer comic released and the complete onslaught saga and finally finished downloading earth x, paradise x, marvels, and universe x.

ive been reading these the past week. trying to see what made these men, heroes...or as the final chapter of the onslaught saga put them..."gods".

they rushed into burning buildings, fought things that you knew they couldnt defeat. what was it that they possesed that made these heroes who they are...heroes, the likes of captain america, mr. fantastic, iron man, thor and much much more.

is it merely courage? maybe its a mix of courage, honor and valor. words that may possibly prove meaningless in our day and age.

however, why the quote "cursed are the nations in need of heroes"?

heroes can be seen in many shapes and sizes, mainly role models, sources of inspiration etc. however, for a hero to arise, the rest should accept that they are weak. that they do need help.

cursed be these nation because of pride. even though heroes do arrise and help others, pride causes men to dismiss the "hero's" actions and in the end, leading to slander, prejudism, and a whole lot more.

(e.g. persecution of mutants in the xmen series, slander of spiderman in the news papers and many more)

and with these actions, the place in need of heroes, undoubtedly enters a path of self-demise. riots caused by fear and prejudice sends the country into a downward spiral...ultimately resulting in the country's destruction...

however, in this day and age where our own countrymen have lost hope in the system and the country, we need heroes. sure, heroes such as kaptitan barbel, lastikman, darna, panday and yes...even pedro penduko. but wouldnt it be better if we had real heroes? heroes such as jose rizal, andres bonifacio, and such.

however heroes will be useless to us if we do not remedy our own problems about pride.

and in the end...maybe we could be heroes...even just for one day.

i feel so...

i feel so mad...i feel so angry...i feel so careless..so lost confused again..i feel so cheap..so used, unfaithful...i wish i could start over...just start over..

i dont know if much of you know but...i...i mean..my qpi didnt reach. i failed. at that moment i found out after waiting in line for the adaa...time just stopped...i didnt know what to do..i didnt know what to say...i didnt know how to tell my parents..nor how i myself could handle it..i mean..just failing 1 subject made me a total wreck but failing ateneo?! jeez..

so..i stayed in my friend's house practically the whole day yesterday. didnt want to go home...i couldnt go home...how could i face my parents...

but...i survived. but...not on my own. if there's a lesson to be learned here..its that...as my friend told me..."no man is an island". i had help...constant support from my friends and family. this day was bad..i mean...i just looked matamlay according to my sis. at least she was keeping me company..i got so depressed i even watched..."What a girl wants"...dang..amanda bynes..is so..purty..well besides the point..

but..the thing i wanna show is that..no man is an island...and i am not a lone wolf...coz...as they say on those nature thingies...wolves always go as a pack...

(oooohhh..if i get an army team or something or a squad..i wanna call ourselves the wolfpack...wla lang) so there...

I'm A Goofy Goober Too...

"I'm a goofy goober, you're a goofy goober, we're all goofy goobers...goofy goofy goober goober yeah..."

Well...i just watched the Spongebob Squarepants movie yet again. you know what i just realized...it reminded me of another movie...not the same thing....but still have the same themes; "Battle Royale 2". basically..the 2 movies say how good it is to be a kid.

ever since i was small, i hated sleeping during the afternoons. i always wanted to do more things. i always wanted to be a "man".

however, nowadays i treasure the littler things in life. i look forward to coming home early from school so i can have a good afternoon's sleep. i relish the days when i dont have homework. i take time out of my busy schedules to stop and smell the flowers (not literally..dont know where i can find flowers to sniff...)

in battle royale 2, the survivor from the first film, nanahara shuya becomes a terrorist fighting against the government that had put them on that island with his class ordering them to kill eachother. when he finally reveals why he fights, he says "to protect the smiles on the kid's faces..." (dont know if its the correct line, but it pretty much sums it all up..)

"A war against all adults who have taken the smiles of kids away". that is what he has been saying.

going back to the Spongebob Squarepants movie, i realized that..it is good being a kid. sure, we all have to grow up someday but...i can wait haha.

in the words of plankton "his (pertaining to spongebob) chops are righteous". in the last scene (sorry for those who are reading this, yet have not watched the film...i am going to describe what had happened...but this is your final warning...if ever, bookmark this blog and close it...go out and watch the film and then come back here and read on...if not...oh well..your loss) spongebob gave a speech on how he was a kid. how much he knew that you dont need to be a man (or woman...if you're beeing feminist on me) what you need to get by is inside of you (cliche i know..but its true!).

and then he goes on to song...

"I'm a goofy goober (rock!)You're a goofy goober (rock!)We're all goofy goobers (rock!)Goofy goofy, goober goober (rock!)Put your toys awayWell, all I gotta sayWhen you tell me not to play, I say "No way!"No no no no no way"I'm a kid", you sayWhen you say I'm a kid, I say "say it again!" and then I say "Thanks""Thank you very much"So, if you're thinking that you'd like to be like meGo ahead and try, the kid inside will set you freeI'm a goofy goober (rock!)You're a goofy goober (rock!)We're all goofy goobers (rock!)Goofy goofy, goober goober (rock!)" (from http://www.poplyrics.net/waiguo/soundtrack/spongebobsquarepants/008.htm)

so...if you tell me not to play, i say no way...no no freaking way. and if you want to be like me, go ahead and try, the kid inside will indeed set you free...

coz...you know why? i'm a goofy goober...and so are you.

Again...

You know, i've been thinking a lot about "her" again recently. i mean, i've been seeing her with this guy (whom i think that you know what). but...i rarely see her smile now. i dont know why but...i just want to see her smile again...like she used to :)

ACK! GOD! stop thinking about her!!! i'm sorry haha guess an old flame...is hard to extinguish. but, like i said before...i may have someone new :) but who knows right? i might just fuck it up...again like i did the past..many...a lot...god..im a loser.

anyhoo...here i am...hanging by a thread. fearing tomorrow even more. i lay at night unable to sleep thinking about what may happen the next day, fearing the consequences of my actions. not wanting tomorrow to arrive, fearing...worrying...

that is what i have been doing the past weeks. people have been coming up to me asking "okay ka lang?" i mean...its that bad. usually i can hide my "inner feelings". but now...i've been to tired to do so. im tired...not physically tired...but emmotionally, mentally tired.

ive gotten older the past few months...and it has been showing. at this point, i'm hopeless. i've been praying day and night...hoping, wishing for a miracle. i have been studying..however i dont know what to do at this point. will this be my last sem in ateneo? will it?