The Death Of Nikki Del Carmen

"Here lies Michel Dominique Jacinto Del Carmen
Was Alone
Is Alone
Will Always Be Alone"

Something died inside me last night. I found out that someone whom I thought I would be able to spend the rest of my days with was in love with someone else.

It hurt me a lot. I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I don’t know why…whenever I saw her or heard her voice or saw her smile…I knew that I could do anything…even fly (thank God I never tried that).

Well…as the saying goes…shit happens. Life is a garden…dig it.

Something died inside me last night, as I said earlier. Something that I don’t think would ever come back.

A lot of people talked to me about it. Most of them said that it may have not been my time to be tied down. But…I don’t care. Sure they say that having a gf/bf isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. But…I want to feel the feeling of having someone there. The feeling of having someone who will walk with you when you’re all alone. The feeling where you know that when the shit hits the fan, someone is there to take the hit with you. Someone…special.

I don’t know. Maybe I was just expecting too much. The funny thing is…I don’t blame her. I’m happy that she found someone special. I’m happy that she isn’t lonely anymore. I’m happer for her. All I know is that maybe…me feeling this way is my fault. Don’t talk to me about "Internal Locus Of Control" shit. It is my fault. I knew that it would’ve been hard but…I don’t know. I expected that maybe…just maybe, the world would take pity on me and give me this chance.
I want someone in my life. And as some say, maybe I’m just looking too hard. Well…maybe I am. Sure, I someone may come by…someone even better (which I highly doubt) but who knows. No one really knows what tomorrow may bring. Sure, some say that God has a plan for us all…but I personally believe that God only knows what we may find.

If you read my previous post, I related myself to a tiger, as to what I had seen in the mandalay exercise. Come to think of it…tigers do not do well in packs. They hunt alone. Alone they were, alone they will always be. And am I destined to be like them?

Again, here I am. Feeling that I don’t have a purpose in life. Feeling that there is nothing I can do but let time do the healing.

I know a lot of you feel like you want to comfort me and stuff, and here I am telling you thank you in advance. But…this is something I have to deal with myself.

"If I ever see you face to face again, I'll ask you why...so soon. And in your grand debut from death, born again...for life I pray. I hate to see you haunting or in your private hell, I hope you make it. This prayer’s for you…this prayer’s for you…this prayer’s for you…Oh wax and wicker thar burned throughout the night, the light you shine made me smile. You are the candle that turns the darkness back, extinguished fire...I hate to see you haunting or in your private hell. I hope you make it! This prayer's for you, this prayer's for you...this prayers for you..." Prayer by Kapatid

Eye Of The Tiger

As I recall what I saw in the exercise, I remembered only one thing. Survivor’s song entitled "Eye Of The Tiger". "It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks its prey in the night and he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger…". The song itself summarizes what I feel and think about what I saw in the mandalay exercise.

Here’s what I saw in chronological order…everything I saw turned blue. Then from the shadows in my eyelids, I saw the eyes of an animal. As I looked closer, I saw the eyes of a ferocious and menacing tiger. However, I just dismissed it as nothing. Then, the eyes dissapeared into the shadows of my eyelids. Then another figure appeared in the shadows. I then saw the shape of the tiger’s body (after seeing this I was certain it was a tiger since I saw the stripes). It was moving slowly and cautiously as if it were stalking it’s prey.

This surprised me a bit since before we did the exercise, I saw that the examples ma’am had resembled more of a kaleidoscope rather than what I had seen.

I thought about it a lot. I didn’t know what it could mean. However, after reading the handout I came up with my own interpretation.

I saw two main colors in my head, blue and black. For me, the blue meant dangerous, and the unpredictable depth of the unconscious. The black on the otherhand meant darkness and evil. The intergration of our dark shadowy aspects into who we are. I chose these descriptions judging from the way the tiger looked and moved (as if it were stalking it’s prey). Then, I read on what the tiger meant itself.

Animals were said to mean instinctive, unrational and unconscious state of being. It symbolizes the energy that is still undifferentiated and yet unrationalized. It didn’t say anything in the handout about a tiger, so I got the interpretations of the closest thing…the lion. It said that it symbolized strength and fighting spirit. In layman’s terms a king. However, since I saw a tiger, I came up with these meanings since it said that the symbols that the animals represented were based on the animal’s natural attributes.

For me, the tiger was cautious, it was a natural born hunter. It knew what it wanted and how to get it. It is relentless, it didn’t let anything get in it’s way. And lastly, dangerous.

For me, all these symbols made sense. I always knew that I had a darker side. A side I knew I never wanted to see in my life. My primal side, the side that I know would come out when the need for it comes. My…as others put it, animal within. We all have a dark side. Or as stephen king puts it…the dark half. I knew that the tiger was a perfect symbol for myself. I always thought twice about what I was about to do. I am always in need of a good challenge, hence accounting etc. I never give up at anything. I am a fighter. I don’t let anything get in my way. And thus the tiger is the perfect symbol for me. And after seeing it, I now know that I do have a primal side. I have something to fear. However, I am my own worst enemy. Fear is the mind-killer. I must not fear it, and for me to fully comprehend who I am, I must defeat myself and thus fully comprehending my identity.

We all have this side. Whether you like it or not, we all have an animal within. However as others put it…its what you make of it that really matters. And…"It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks its prey in the night and he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger…". Sorry, I just wanted another chance to use this line!