24...

well...lets just say...thats how long i was up last nyt and the previous night just because of a little show called 24. i watched the 1st season from 12mn...to 12mn...just like the timeline of the 1st season

and i watched the 2nd season...8 hours after the 1st season...(tulog eh) and started the 2nd season at 8am...like the show. i did this well...1st because my mom dared me to...(she regreted it now) 2nd i wanted to be emotionaly involved with the program.

there was one thing that the show had that caught my attention. it was mainly about family.

even behind the conspiracies and the terrorist attacks...the family is an evident thing. Senator Palmer(1st season) got a call. he was told that they had found evidence linking his son to a murder. the murder of the rapist of his daughter. 2nd family was of Special Agent Jack Bauer. his family was broken for quite some time but after a while they got together again...but their happiness wasnt there for long. his wife and daughter get kidnapped because of one of his black ops missions in belgrade.

one thing they both did and that made me think was to do anything and everything for their families.

that made me think. both of them were model fathers and model husbands. and..to be honest...will i be like them someday?...not necessarily heroes to their countries but heroes in their own families. willing to sacrifice everything they had just for them.

it got me thinking...what makes a good husband and father?...i'm not sure if i said something before but...ive wanted a kid for quite some time now. i dont know why but after seeing my uncle(10 years older than me...i think) with his daughter...and the way he shows much care and love for her(tricie) well...it got me thinking if i was even capable of a fraction of what he is doing. my dad...he's another story altogether. he was a deprived child. helearned everything he knows now on his own. he doesnt like his parents and he didnt want us to have the same life he had when he was young. i know he screams at me...even hits me sometimes but i know that he does it for me.

i dont know why people keep on makingmovies about superheroes like kapitan barbel...gagamboy...spiderman...daredevil and the such...maybe its because in a chaotic time like ours...we need heroes. and well...thats wrong...we shouldnt look to them for inspiration. you hear kids around saying "pag laki ko gusto ko magin parang si superman" or something like "i want to be just like spiderman"...they dont stop saying these stuff...but unkown to them...there are heroes with them everyday. their dads.

i know na pang fathers day to but...dont blame me..i still think its saturday

Higher...

World turns black and white
Pictures in an empty room
Your love starts fallin down
Better change your tune
Reach for the golden ring
Reach for the sky
Baby just spread your wings
Chorus:
We'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb
We'll get higher and higher leave it all behind
Run, run, run, away
Like a train runnin off the track
The truth gets left behind
And falls between the cracks
Standing on broken dreams
But never losing sight
Spread your wings
Chorus
So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you've cried
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong
Ohh that's what dreams are made of
Solo
Chorus
Higher and higher who knows what we'll find
And in the end on dreams we will depend
Cause thats what love is made of
- Van Halen, Dreams

Dreams. what are they? are they simple signals that the subconscious send to us in sleep?

Dreams. for me, well...they are what we hope for. dreams are what we believe in. dreams are what we hold on to, to stay in this life we call a game. dreams are what we try and achieve in life. however, once we achieve those dream, we apparently lose all hope. we have to dream. dreaming is what keeps us sane. dreaming is what keeps us alive and living every minute, every second to the max. dreaming is...life i guess.

we dream about love life, our future, basically anything. they are what we hold on to, those are some things that we strive to do. the things that we try our very best to achieve.

"So baby dry your eyes, save all the tears you've cried, Ohh that's what dreams are made of. Oh baby we belong in a world that must be strong, Ohh that's what dreams are made of" we all must be strong. we all have some dissapointments in life. some of them, like i said before we do not want to happen. but us, standing fast and keeping a stiff upper lip is what makes us dream more. we have to dream. dreams are what mold you, what you are today. dreams made the life you have now an exciting one. you seek for the right person. you seek for the right job. you dream the impossible dream.

but, dreaming the impossible dream is what makes you strive harder to achieve it. dream on! and..."Baby just spread your wings. We'll get higher and higher straight up we'll climb. We'll get higher and higher leave it all behind"

p.s.

oh i forgot...if you are reading this and have a couple of comments on this, or any of the previous posts...well...pls feel free to email me!...
engkantong_praning@hotmail.com

Life's a Game...

Cannot Stop The World...by Home Grown

Go on and tear this all apart.
Make sure to finish what you start.
Scratch the surface until it bleeds, then repeat.
Wear your tourniquet so thin that you will surely bleed again.
Tell me, what is it you've gained? Nothing.
Why can't you just move on?
And forget about the things that cannot be undone.
You can stop blaming yourself.
But you cannot stop the world.
Go on and throw your life away and don't admit that you feel pain.
Pretend everything is okay...is it worth it?
Don't try to take this by yourself.
There's nothing wrong with needing help.
The emptiness you feel inside heals with time.
Why can't you just move on?
And forget about the things that really don't belong.
You can stop blaming yourself.
'Cause you cannot stop the world.
It's not your fault that things went wrong.
Now the only thing that you can do is move on.
And the pain you feel will soon fade away.


Different things happen to us. most of them we cannot change. we cannot undo. we cannot stop the world. all we can do is hope for the best for everyday that passes.

sometimes, you think..."why is life so mean to me?" well, its not. it's mean to all of us, not only you. life is a game. some puzzles are harder than others. some progress through it faster than others. some...just get left behind...like some games, its a lot easier when you are with some one. a special someone that well, can make the day brighter. someone that can make you smile everytime you see them. a special someone whom you can care, and who cares about you.

the tricky part is...finding that special someone. he/she is a special character that you have to go out of your way to look for. but when you do find them, well...youd be thankful you did.

there will be boss fights. but mainly in life, the only boss you have to defeat are your doubts, your guilt, and mainly...yourself. you are your worst enemy. he knows all your weaknesses, he knows all you think, he knows everything about you. however...sometime, oyu will eventually be able to control yourself. you can and will defeat yourself one day...and when that happens...you can be everyhting you can be. you can reach your ultimate potential. however...your doubts, fears can regenerate after time. and you will have to fight them more than once your life. it will be hard, but dont worry...you have people who can and will be willing to help you out...

dang...
ive been sleeping quite sound the past few days. maybe thats why i havent been posting quite as much...well, back to business.

i dont understand women. (who guy does?) i thought that i did, but when you think you do, they do something that makes you think. and personally, god, she's been making me think. i am not going to name names...

at the beginning of the sem, she has been showing promise hahahaha she was like getting all friendly and stuff, and i thought to myself "yey!" but then all of a sudden she becomes all cold. i dont get it...

then, all of a sudden, ive been feeling pretty lonely. ive been trying to find company in the weirdest of places. well, recently, ive gotten pretty close to my dog.

my taste in music has been changing pretty drastically. like the past few nights, i have been listening to 70's rock. one particular song i have been listening to is "one is the lonliest number" by three dog night. i thought that it might suite my situation pretty well.

oh and another thing that has been bothering me...a lot of my female friends come to me for "love advice" and the funny thing is that i have never had a relationship my entire life. and if they can see me for who i am, well, why cant she?...

damn...i dont know what to think...well that's all for today...

Alone…
It’s a pretty sad word. It’s a word that strikes fear in the hearts of many people. It brings depression and sorrow to the masses. It, well is evil.

I bet you have stayed up one night, wanting to talk to someone. You have always wanted to be with someone, just spend some time with someone. I bet you have been through nights where many things run through you head. Things you do not want to think about. And you want, as much as possible, not to think about it since…well…it hurts that’s why.

I bet you have experienced nights where you felt so alone. Nights where you try to re-evaluate who your friends really are, since well cause they seem not to be there for you that specific night. You like ask them if they want to talk and stuff but, well…they say things like, “I slept pretty late last night and I feel really sleepy…goodnight.” Or others like “I have lots of homework, sorry…”

It sucks. I know. I’ve been there before, well not once but lots of times. You sit there alone in your room, while listening to something like Blink 182’s “Feeling This” or well, if you are a bit mellower, something like Bruce Sringstien’s “Secret Garden”. Or if you’re like me and pretty much whacked, Air Supply’s “All Out of Love”.

However, while sitting there in your room alone, you know that there is someone who might want to talk and well, keep you company. It’s that name in your phonebook that well; you know might have nothing better to do. That someone that you haven’t spoken to for a while because of workload or you might have found someone more interesting to talk to.

You think twice before texting him/her. You try to think if it would be pretty awkward if all of a sudden you like come out, out of the blue and say…”hey, what’s up?”

Why does life do this? Make you feel like shit at times? Not knowing who to be with, feeling all lonely and stuff. And when you do, then you start doubting your friends. Well, I don’t think that that is a pretty nice thing to do since friendship is based on trust.

That’s all for today…

Suicide...
Fact: rate of suicide in the philippines rises.
Fact: in the year 1993 alone, there have been 834 cases of suicide alone.
Fact: males are more prone to suicide than women.
Fact: the age group that is most affected by suicide is between 15-24 years of age.
Fact: you may help

teens are the most prone to suicide. i dont know why. all people have had suicidal tendencies one part of their life. teens mainly have this tendency because they sometimes feel that the weight of the whole world is on their shoulders.

they sometimes feel that they dont have anyone to talk to. that they have no one to turn to, and no one to believe in. they see the world that is truly out there, not the world shown to them as they were little. they see the ugliness of the world for what it really is, thru the eyes of a troubled young teen.

it is the time of their lives, where the only thing they can turn to is their friends. the people they hang out with. the people they spend most of their time with. the people whom they can relate to, understand.

maybe you dont know it but, you may have a friend who is feeling suicidal tendencies. sometimes, you might not realize it until it is too late. a lot of kids have problems. a lot of kids have a lot of problems.

some kids just do this to get attention, while most on the other hand really have problems that they cannot deal with on theri own. come on...you know what i mean. they sometimes find it hard to express their feelings. especially males (i bet the women agree...not only in suicidal tendencies but in their love life too...woops...back to the topic)

people have problems. and you as a friend can help them. try to see w/c of your friends may have a problem. you, as a friend have a duty to help them out. that is what friends are for. hear them out. make sure that they know that someone is there for them. that there is someone there who cares.

help stop suicide. help a friend. help someone out. you cannot change the world, but you can make a dent.

help stop suicide in the philippines.

Friends...
Okay, here's the thing...my classes ended pretty early. around 1030. we were planning on maybe going out for a movie(my block and i) after class and might even go for karaoke at octave in libis. quite a few of us went for the movie. we were wait...hmmm...9 altogether. we watched a movie and just hung out in the mall. we just bummed around talking about ordianry stuff like...you know different random questions. like who people dont you know what to give them for christmas...stuff like that.

we just talked and talked and time just passed. then we looked at our watches and swa that it was 4pm already. a couple of us had to go back to ateneo, so they got in my car and i drove them to ateneo. i also had to go back since a couple of people in ateneo wanted to go to the karaoke.

we got back to ateneo around 445pm. we just walked around and i looked for the people who wanted to go to the karaoke. i only found one guy. si niki. na di called gita up and she said that she was going too. i called the others up, looking for someone who was going too. no one was going any more. the only ones left were niki gita and myself.

niki's car was color coding so we couldnt leave ateneo just yet. we had to wait till 7pm. we just sat down on the benches in front of delacosta and met up with someblockmates who had to watch the play. we sat down and talked to each other...just talking about unimportant things. it was like feeling free without a care in the world.

around 7 we left, niki gita and i went ot eat at obento in katipunan. we brought our cars and went in and ordered. we just sat down talking about things ranging from dead batchmates to people's asses. we talked about those things, not caring about what the other pepole around us thought. we laughed as we usually did and we were happy. it was like there was no school. that we were just friends, hanging out and just living.

i guess thats what friends are. people who you can feel natural with. people you know you can talk about stuff with. people you know...not exactly the same as you but with different characteristics that well, canb bring out the better side in you.

A Smile...
What is a smile?...is it a movement of the muscles in your mouth used to show the teeth? well...there's more to it than just that.

a smile is a lot deeper than that. a smile is a powerful thing. a smile can make you feel happy. a smile can make you do things. a smile can make you feel things, you have never felt before. a smile can..well, get you through the darkest of days and the lonliest of nights. and a smile can help you go through life easier every day.

with just a little smile, someone may fall in love with you or vice-versa. that is what a smile can do. a smile can bring two totally different people together. a smile can change a whole world. that is the power of a simple smile.

well, i have manny fond memories of girls that i know, or knew whose smile well..you know hahahaha. whenever i saw them smile, well everything i saw became clearer. my day became brighter. well..you know the rest.

however, a smile can do some harm as well. like when you know this person, and you like them and all, but you know it can't happen, when you see them smile, it hurts. when you see them smiling with someone else, it hurts. it hurts a lot. in whatever way the smile can make you feel, you just make yourself believe that its how life goes. you win some, you lose some. and you just go on living your life one day at a time.

well, a smile is such a beautiful thing. a smile is the purest form of beauty, well for me that is. nothing can compare a smile. you would even sometimes, trade everything you have for a simple smile from a friend or even someone closer than a friend. you would even do silly things just to make someone smile. my frineds know that all too well. i am a sucker for a smile. well, and i cant stand seeing a girl frowning. i always have to go over and try to make them smile, in anyway i can, even if it means doing crazy stuff.

most of the times, i say things. things that i do mean. some things that i dont want to say, but i have to just to make them smile. you know, things that you know that you should wait for a right time to say..to like you know..hahahaha make discarte if you like the person, but you have to say it to make them feel better. there are times like that.

you can't help them but you just have to do it.

a smile is beautiful. a smile is something powerful. a smile can make you do silly things. a smile can make you feel things you have never felt before.

a smile is...perfect...

Duty
How do we know what we must do? like what tells us that we have to do something? ive been wondering about this for quite some time now...it started one day last semester. my lit teacher was telling us how his life couldve been if he wasnt a teacher. he said that he graduated m.e. and he like went to work for this company and that company and then went on to become a teacher. he said one word that summarized all of the reasons why he went on becoming a teacher. it was duty.

what is it? like what do we know what our duty is? before that, the only duty i knew was the shift my dad had to work in the hospital when i was young. he and my mom would always refer to it as duty. well, over the years ive had some recollection on what it meant. i saw it in the eyes of my fellow volunteers at this summer program called pkk, para kay kiko. well to be hoest, i joined just for me to be able to do something during the summer, a lot of people joined. well ost of them joined just to meet people of the other sex...unfortunately at the beginning, i was one of them, while others just joined for them to be able to put something in their college applicatin forms. then as the weeks passed, i saw a handful of volunteers. they didnt care about the other volunteers, they didnt care about the time they were wasting. all they cared about was the street children (well, not actually, coz most of them had cellphones and stuff, but all of them studued in public schools. so lets refer to them as financially handicapped...or f.h.)

i watched them from day to day. they werent just doing their work, they were showing the f.h. true compassion. they were treating them as human beings, not like most people i knew. one day, i was curious and asked them why they were like that. all they said was.."wala lang". i stood there wondering, pondering about what they meant. then i started being like them. i treated each one of them as though they were my close friends rather than students. i helped them along the way and well, i had this warm and fuzzy feeling as i did. i worked even harder, and each day i did, the feeling grew. then i knew what duty was.

duty is doing something you have to do. doing something that you know is right. even if you know that people will look down on you if you do. like, sitting with the loser at the loser's table during lunch, giving spare change to some f.h. people. not cheating, and yes, saying no to drugs. also, helping someone in need. basically that is what duty is. no one will ever know what they have to do, but trust me, when it comes along, listen to your heart and you will know what you have to do.

that is what i believe duty is. doing the right thing, not only for you but for everyone else. doing selfless acts for the good of others. luceat lux, let your light shine. that is what duty is.

Who we are...
like what i have posted last night, ive been doing a lot of thinking. i just finished watching lord of the rings...the fellowship of the ring. i was so damn bored that i found a copy at home and i decided to watch it.

a specific line hit me. well not literally..duh! the movie showed it 2 times...(hahahahaha yep, i counted it...) it aws when gandalf was sitting in the mines of moria staring at the 3 doors. he said "So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time we are given." (no i didnt memorize it, i found a script...it's from simplyscripts.com incase someone might see this and sue me for plagarism...i'll post the site below...)

things happen in our lives. some of them however, we don't/didnt want to happen. however, we cannot help it. different things happen. we cannot help them from happening. we will all experiece hate, fear, grief, anger and happiness. it is like the myth of pandora's box, she was given a box, she opened it, unleashed all the evils in the world but there at the end came happiness, hope, love (not exact, but more or less.)

what counts is what we do after these things happen. the choices that we make after these events. good or bad, it is how we learn from it and use it. we all know that there are a lot of choices that we wished that we didint make. i for one have an entire closet full of them...ala skeletons in my closet. i dont want to remember them since well, sometimes it hurts. but sometimes, i wont have any choice and will be forced to open it; to help a friend, or to review such problems that are facing me at the present.

there is no such thing as fate nor destiny. nothing is set before us. we make our own life, we create it every step of the way. God sits there and watches us. He/She did not create a path for us, we make it along the way. he gace us freedom to make choices. some of them hard, while others a piece of cake. the way we spend the time we are given is what matters the most. "you can fly, if you try leaving the past bahind. heaven only knows what you might find. dare, dare to believe you can survive. you hold the future in your hand. dare, dare to keep all your dreams alive, it's time to take a stand." (from the song dare by stan bush. it was the song playing when "hot rod" was racing towardst the spaceship with...damn forgot the kid's name...in transformers the movie, which i believe is one of the best movies ever created...)

you make the choice. what makes you, you is how you live your life day by day. we must go on living. all we can do right now, is to do our best every step of the way. we must go on and hopefully, others may learn from what we have done in the past. we must make life easier for the people who will come after us. dont look at life as a problem, look at it as a game. and lead everyday with a smile. laugh a bit every day, and you'll see that living is a bit lighter. "dont treat every situation as a life or death situation, cause you'll end up dying a lot of times." (from van wilder. it's not the exact words he said. but i think i got the jist right.) or in the words of joe dirt..."life is a garden, dig it..." hahahha i don't know why i've been quoting a lot of movies now...


the site where i got the link for the script:
http://www.simplyscripts.com/l.html
the site of the script itself
http://www.awesomefilm.com/script/LOTRFOTR.html

12:05
hay naku..eto nanaman ako...hating gabi gising pa. i dont know what the hell to do. i'm bored. i have been thinking about a lot of stuff. you know like, what if i made different choices in the different problems i had. like, what if i did this earlier, what if i did this instead?...you know, like what would i be right now.

i've been thinking about a lot of stuff. like what i am afraid of. one thing i am certain i'm afraid of is heights. hahahahaha damn, tatayo lang ako sa lamesa nagkakavertigo na ako...

another thing i know i'm afraid of is being alone. i've had nightmares about this a lot. you know, i satnd in a dark place all alone. i see my friends far away, i shout at them but they dont hear me. i run up to them but the more i run towards them, the farther i get.

the last thing i know i'm afraid of is being rejected. i dont like the feeling when i know someone doesnt like me. i dont like rejetion. thats why i often prove myself. often i just make people laugh and well, thank god they think i'm pretty okay after that.

i like making people laugh, smile, pretty much make them feel good. i dont like seeing people look sad. coz well, i end up pittying them and well, i dont like pity. i cheer people up. i like it. i like making people feel good, coz well i know its cheesy but well...making people feel happy make me happy.

basically, what ive been thinking ios mainly for me to find out who i am actually. hahaha i know it's dumb. i'm 18 and i still dont know exactly who i am. i think my purpose in life right now is to solve the problem of my existence. i dont like problems that keep me up at night. i like my sleep. well, and this problem has been keeping me up for a long time now. i try and find different clues on solving it everynight. i sit down, and think. i try to see the things i did that day and try to reason why i did them in the first place.

well...thats it for now...