Fuck you...

If some of you people watched the 25th hour, you may remember Edward Norton's famous "Fuck You" Speech. If you haven't seen the movie...Here's the speech:

"Fuck me? Fuck you! Fuck you and this whole city and everyone in it. Fuck the panhandlers, grubbing for money, and smiling at me behind my back. Fuck the squeegee men dirtying up the clean windshield of my car. Get a fucking job! Fuck the Sikhs and the Pakistanis bombing down the avenues in decrepit cabs, curry steaming out their pores, stinking up my day. Terrorists in fucking training. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN! Fuck the Chelsea boys with their waxed chests and pumped up biceps. Going down on each other in my parks and on my piers, jingling their dicks on my Channel 35. Fuck the Korean grocers with their pyramids of overpriced fruit and their tulips and roses wrapped in plastic. Ten years in the country, still no speaky English? Fuck the Russians in Brighton Beach. Mobster thugs sitting in cafés, sipping tea in little glasses, sugar cubes between their teeth. Wheelin' and dealin' and schemin'. Go back where you fucking came from! Fuck the black-hatted Hasidim, strolling up and down 47th street in their dirty gabardine with their dandruff. Selling South African apartheid diamonds! Fuck the Wall Street brokers. Self-styled masters of the universe. Michael Douglas, Gordon Gecko wannabe mother fuckers, figuring out new ways to rob hard working people blind. Send those Enron assholes to jail for FUCKING LIFE! You think Bush and Cheney didn't know about that shit? Give me a fucking break! Tyco! Worldcom! Fuck the Puerto Ricans. 20 to a car, swelling up the welfare rolls, worst fuckin' parade in the city. And don't even get me started on the Dom-inIi-cans, 'cause they make the Puerto Ricans look good. Fuck the Bensonhurst Italians with their pomaded hair, their nylon warm-up suits, their St. Anthony medallions, swinging their, Jason Giambi, Louisville slugger, baseball bats, trying to audition for the Sopranos. Fuck the Upper East Side wives with their Hermes scarves and their fifty-dollar Balducci artichokes. Overfed faces getting pulled and lifted and stretched, all taut and shiny. You're not fooling anybody, sweetheart! Fuck the uptown brothers. They never pass the ball, they don't want to play defense, they take fives steps on every lay-up to the hoop. And then they want to turn around and blame everything on the white man. Slavery ended one hundred and thirty seven years ago. Move the fuck on! Fuck the corrupt cops with their anus violating plungers and their 41 shots, standing behind a blue wall of silence. You betray our trust! Fuck the priests who put their hands down some innocent child's pants. Fuck the church that protects them, delivering us into evil. And while you're at it, fuck JC! He got off easy! A day on the cross, a weekend in hell, and all the hallelujahs of the legioned angels for eternity! Try seven years in fuckin' Otisville, J! Fuck Osama Bin Laden, Al Qaeda, and backward-ass, cave-dwelling, fundamentalist assholes everywhere. On the names of innocent thousands murdered, I pray you spend the rest of eternity with your seventy-two whores roasting in a jet-fueled fire in hell. You towel headed camel jockeys can kiss my royal Irish ass! "

Well, I've been holding a lot of stuff in...so here's my version. If I offend anybody, I'm sorry...I just hope you know where I'm coming from...well...(breathe's in) here goes...

Fuck you...fuck you for believing that you are better than me. Fuck you for not helping me when I needed help. Fuck you for pittying me. Fuck you for thinking that I am nothing. Fuck you Ateneans for thinking that you're all that. Fuck you Lasallites for thinking that everything is about you. Fuck you government officials for not seeing things the way you should be seeing them. Fuck you Filipinos for not telling other people to fuck off when they start stepping on your toes. Fuck you Americans for believing that you are a superior race. Fuck you for colonizing us then leaving us out to rot. Fuck you Policemen for being corrupt when in fact you should be the ones upholding the law. Fuck you carnappers for stealing my car. Fuck you murderers for killing all those people. Fuck you television networks for being one-sided. Fuck you news papers for just printing what you want to print. Fuck you piraters for helping destroy the music industry. Fuck you drug-addicts for destroying your bodies. Fuck you drug pushers for pushing all your shit on the helpless youth. Fuck you teenagers for thinking that everything in life is hell. Fuck you adults for making the lives of teenagers hell. Fuck you psychologists for stereotyping everyone. Fuck you guidance councilors for thinking that everyone has a problem. Fuck you I.S. Dept for not giving I.S. a better reputation. Fuck you I.S. majors for not standing up for yourselves and proving that we are good. Fuck you teachers who think that we suck just because we're in I.S. Fuck you...

Whew...that took a lot out of me...hehehe...

Sorry again if I offended you in some reason. But hopefully, if you read it, you can see that what i said did make sense. But some of the stuff...are pretty...coloquial, I mean, if you aren't from the Ateneo, you wouldn't get what i mean. Anyway...thats it

Shite...

Here I am. As you can tell, according to the "time posted" I haven't been sleeping. And this time, not due to school work...Well technically yes..But really no. School has been keeping me up a lot. But majority of the time, its not the work...But the fear. The fear is back. The fear of what tomorrow may bring. The fear that the consequences of my actions in the past will someday return and haunt me. The fear that I am not good enough. Fear of who I am, and who I will become.

According to Albert Dondeyne...there are three compontents to hitoricity. These three components are...1. that I am an embodied spirit 2. I am a being-together-with-others and 3. a being living in time. In this thought, I would rather focus on the second component...the "I am a being-together-with-others" one.

It is said that we as human beings...basically have a mutualism relationship going on. We get things from others while we ourselves give things too. We cannot rely on our own...as the cliche goes...no man is an island. Thus we rely on others, as well as others rely on us. This is the part that i am indeed skeptical of...well to be honest...weary of.

Sometimes, it is better to be on your own. Well...not sometimes in my case...but most of the time. As another cliche goes..."if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..." I believe in that line. Usually, in group works, I would rather do majority of the work, basically to ensure the security and the quality of the work is indeed up to my standards (which, for those who know me...isn't that high) but still...

Another reason why i would rather be alone...is...bascially for the betterment of other people. I have demons in my closet. Sure, some people say that they have skeletons in my closet...but compared to mine, those are just bunnies compared to what I have. At least skeletons don't speak to you, or haunt you. My demons haunt me on a regular basis. The demons of my past would never allow me to forget the thing that happened in my past. I know a lot of you are saying right now, as you read this entry that they haunt me because I cannot forgive myself for those deeds that i shall not may any mention of in any of my entries or verbally. Sure, it may be guilt that keeps them hanging there, however...it is not guilt that ails me every night..it is fear.

According to Sir Isaac Newton's third law of gravity..."for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." This law also coincides with the Chaos Theory, which therein states that every action has a consequence. Such as, if a butterfly flaps its wings over India, it causes a hurricane over South Florida (this, is something that I have yet to prove, however it is an example often used to reiterate the Chaos Theory).

I have accepted my deeds in the past. I have accepted and acknowledged the fact that I have demons. The things keeping me up at night, as I have explained earlier is fear. Fear of who I am and fear of what I WILL become. I fear that the actions that I have done in the past, will undoubtedly affect my life in the coming future ( a comic example...in the future, if ever i become rich, and powerful...pictures of me in a skirt shall be released into the public thus ruining my business and my career). Or...for a more realistic example...my failure to attain the required QPI of 19 last school year. Due to this, a bigger burden has been cast upon my shoulders to meet certain requirements that at this point in time is undoubtedly looking rather grimm. Or another example would be my lax behavior in handling my Music Night team regarding the finding of sponsors to fund the event. Which at this point looks even more grimm due to the fact that we do not have the funds to be able to pay for the acts and other such things.

But what does this have to do with being alone? What does this have to do with unacknowledging the second component of historicity?

In the end, what I am trying to say is...that I am a lone wolf. I tiger that stalks the jungles alone. Even though I am in constant look out for my other (which I still have to find out who...which i hope to realize in Philosophy 102 with Mr. Soh if ever I do reach second semester). But again, to the point...I push people away. It's not that I do not want the company...but it is because I fear for you...I fear that one day, I will hurt you. Fear that one day...you might hurt me.

Fear...aint it a sucker?