Truth...

What is the truth? Where can i find it? Is it as easy as what Neo did? Take the red pill? Is it easy? HELL NO! You dont even know where to find it.

What makes it so intruiging? It drives so many people to give up their life just to look for it. Scientists strive through sleepless nights just to prove something...to find the truth of something.

What is the truth? To be honest...I dont know. But, it's these kinds of things that make you doubt that there is such a thing as truth.

A man once asked, "Who determines history?" And the answer to that question...is the strong. We live in a time of survival of the fittest. It is a dog eat dog world. And History is determined by the winners. The ones who win in wars, debates, elections. And...I believe that Truth is basically the same thing. Who tell you what the truth is? Parents, Teachers, Scientists, Politicians? People who hold much power than you do.

I bet, at least once in your lifetime, you told a lie to someone younger than you and he/she believed you. That person believed that what you told him/her was the truth.

Another example was the time of martial law here in the Philippines. Marcos selected what programs were aired, what radio stations broadcasted, what news got out. He was manipulating news making people believe what he wanted them to believe. (Note: This is purely heresay. I have to statistical evidence to prove that claim, if I offended you in anyway, please accept my deepest apologies, well...i dont even know if that is true.)

Again, what is the truth? If you ask me, well...it's just a word. It's a word that people have died for. Please note, DIED for. People fighting for something they hold true to themselves.

But again, it's just a word. A word given meaning by people with power.

So, what is truth? The truth is...There is no truth.

Everytime You're Looking For Me, I'll Be Gone...

I've been thinking about the past again. I know whats done is done and there is no way i can change it, however...I should learn from the mistakes i made in the past, to further correct myself...make sure my weaknesses do not affect my life.

Yes, weaknesses are flaws. Things that i have to change to make myself...hmmm...stronger?

Well...back to the topic...mainly thinking about past..relationships...

Yes, i have reoppened my "Book Of Bigo" haha and well..it isnt pretty. Sure as hell a lot of those entries are my fault...i guess i just pushed them away. Afraid of something i wasnt ready for..however...some of them arent my fault.

In the words of a HS classmate who is now in Singapore (OO IKAW TO!) he said..."...their loss diba?". hahaha i thought about it..and yeah! its their loss! i know im getting all "egotistic" about it but..hahaha i think that im a pretty okay guy! hahaha...well...some of you readers may contest...but hahaha humor me a bit!

And..no matter how hard i do try...somehow...things just go wrong. I dunno...is it me? or is it them?

Well...really cant go into details. Dont want to...hahaha, but..i guess...this song put me in the mood..."Slip" by Kjwan

It didn’t matter what we did
It didn’t matter how hard we tried
Each time that we believed, we made it end
It didn’t matter what we did
It didn’t matter how hard we tried
Each time that we believed, we pushed away

Now I feel, so lost
Every time I look around me, you are gone
Now I feel, so lost
Every time I look around me, you are gone

It didn’t matter that I tried
It didn’t matter that I bled
Each time that I came over, you forget
It didn’t matter that I tried
It didn’t matter that I bled
Each time that I came over, you’d push away

Now I feel, so lost
Every time I look around me, you are gone
Now I feel, so lost
Every time I look around me, you are gone

It doesn’t matter what you do
It won’t matter what you say
It doesn’t matter what you do
Cause each time you come around I’ll push away

Now I feel, so lost
Every time I look around me, you are gone
Now you’ll feel, so lost
Every time you’re looking for me, I’ll be gone
Every time you’re looking for me, I’ll be gone
Every time you’re looking for me, I’ll be gone
Every time you’re looking for me, I’ll be gone
Every time you’re looking for me, I’ll be gone

oh yeah..buy the album..its pretty good.

What's Wrong With Me?

Here i am...debating about things that i have no control over. Thinking about what has become of me, thinking about what im doing wrong. Thinking...why.

Is there something wrong with me? Why is it, whenever i need somthing bad, or really want something and is willing to do anything to get it, i always make the dumbest mistakes. Mistakes that you know how to avoid, yet you still make them.

Why isnt there anyone out there who can see me for who i am, and well...i dunno. Know how i feel, see the things i see, believe in the things i believe in?

Here i am again, debating about someone. Whether or not i should go on chasing, or steer clear. Different voices appear in my head. Voices that say: "Go on!" or..."Nah!". Which one should i listen to? I am at a crossroads again. Staring blankly towards the ground, thinking, reflecting, discerning what i should do next.

Coz i feel so mad, i feel so angry, feel so careless, so lost confused again. I feel so cheap so used, unfaithful. And at times like these, I wish i was brave. I wish i were stronger, wish i could feel no pain. Wish i was young, wish i was shy. I wish i was honest, I wish i was him, not i. Sometimes i wish i was smart, I wish i made cures for how people are. I wish i had power, I wish i could lead. I wish i could change the world...

I wish i was everything i wasnt. i wish i was everything i wanted to be. I wish...for a day where i can be perfect. I wish...i was a billionaire.

I am all those things, but those are the qualities that i too do not have. I know its confusing. It's basically the paradox of my existence. We are all we are, nothing more nothing less. But...when we do stop striving for perfection, we might as well be dead.

and..here's something i've been listening to lately..."Last Summer" by Lostprophets

The Friday sun bears down again
As we drive without friends
And on these longest days we spend
All the time trying to pretend
That our stories could be true
Our chance to be cool
The setting sunset says the day is through
If only we knew...
And we all sit around here in our home town
Listen to the waves as they all crash down
And watch the fire as it slowly burns away
Glowing embers fly across the sky

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer
The view from our last summer...
We trace the sun across the sky

And we laugh till we cry
Always so hard to say goodbye (good bye)
And we all sit round here in our home town
It's so good like this, these are times we'll miss
The memories, I hope they'll never fade
Glowing embers lie across the sky

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view through our last summer
The view from our last summer...

I would stop time to stay with you
I would stop time so we don't move
I would stop time
I would stop time
I would stop time to keep you

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer

...yep...our last summer.

Dust In The Wind...

As the coffin lowers into the grave, the preacher says: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."

Everything has an end. Every song has an ending verse. Every poem has an ending line. Every bag of potato chips has a last chip...(i know this all to well...*sigh) And...every movie has ending credits.

Yes, it's true...we are all going to die! Accept it! We are all going to bite the dust some day. And well...all we can do I guess is....live life to the fullest. Like in Macbeth: "Eat, drink and be merry!"

Last night, I was awake till...hmmm...3am. I was talking to a friend (online not phone) and she was sad coz she was wondering when her..."Knight In Shining Armor" would arrive..and I told her...He will. And after that..I started typing the lyrics to...hmm..."Think Of Me" from "The Phantom Of The Opera". Coz, at the same time, I was listening to the soundtrack and trying to see how much are tickets to that play. Of course, I tried booking tickets at "Her Majesty's Theatre" in London (shempre..the best diba?) and well...explained to her that maybe..some day..when im making money. I'll take my "special someone" to london, see the play or two (Les Miserables pa..) and if...we were together for a long time....then walk across London Bridge, ask her to stop and wait. Get on one knee, as if i were going to tie my shoelaces and bring out a ring and ask her to marry me...(sweet diba? ehehehehe)

Well...ive been thinking about the future a lot lately. Especially after my friend was talking about waiting for her "Knight in Shining Armor".

So..i thought to myself..."when will my knight in shining armor come...whoops...mali...when will my damnsel in distress call for my help?" Will she ever come?

I dunno...but all i know is, all i can do is wait. Wait for the right time and most probably, there will be a girl out there, willing to love someone like me (eck..drama)...haha well there. And i know...that the future will catch up with me...sooner or later. And in the end...there will be an end. An end to my talking like this. An end to my lonliness...an end to my sadness.

Because..in the end, we're all Dust in the Wind.

And..i bet you guys noticed. I've been leaving songs at the end..well...heres one. Dust In The Wind by Kansas:

I close my eyes,
Only for a moment,
and the moment's gone
All my dreams,
Pass before my eyes,
in curiosity

C: Dust in the wind,
all they are is
dust in the wind

Same old song,
Just a drop of water
in an endless sea
All we do,
Crumbles to the ground,
though we refuse to see

C: Dust in the wind,
all they are is
dust in the wind
[2]

Don't hang on,
Nothing last forever
but the earth and sky
It slips away,
And all your money
won't another minute buy

C: Dust in the wind,
all we are is
dust in the wind
Dust in the wind,
everything is dust in the wind

Friendship Is Great, Do You Know What I'm Sayin?!

Okay...judging from the title, you guys might know what this is all about.

The past few months, I came and realized that there are really good friends. Not just the people who hang out with you and stuff. True friends. People whom have no relation to you at all, but treat you as well as a brother.

I've had a lot of them actually. But, mainly found them in HS. Friends that I have known since my nursery and grade school days. I didn't think that I would be able to find any true friends in college. Well...really good friends, yeah, but true...nope.

Until I reached days when I was at my all time lows. Then, to my surprise, there were a lot of people there, willing to help me and do anything they could for me. Thats what a true friend is. and i know, because i would do it too when the need arose.

I dont see myself as a true friend, but thats what i think. If you really want to know, why not ask the people who know me best, my friends. They're the people who i hang around with, the people who see me at my best, even my worst. You. You should know who i am better than me..

So...here i am, again leaving you with a song. Now it's from Tenacious D, entitled "Friendship"

Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you?
Friendship is rare.
My derriere,
When you find out much later
That they don't really care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?

Oh shit there's a bear,
Could you hand me that shotgun buddy,
Also that chair?
We're fighting a bear
Now your life's in grave danger
And you don't even care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me,
Say a prayer for me,
'Cause it's rare to be In Tenacious D.

Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!

Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long as there's a record deal we'll always be friends, yeah

enjoy!

Tonight, Tonight...

Well, I'm back. I haven't written here for a long long time...The last time i wrote was when...the you know what happened nung...you know when. And finally...after...2 months, I'm finally over it.

Well, do i dare say that i may have found someone else? Or will she be another chapter in "Nikki's Book Of Bigo"? We shall never know. Only time can tell.

Well, what was up? Last weekend, my block and I went to batangas. And she was there...hayyy...I dunno..the guys have been telling me that it looked.."fruitful" but...who is sure right?

I failed psych 101, yes I know...I don't know why but..it happened. Maybe, I just underestimated it...paying more attention to accounting.

Thats what was up the past few weeks. And now, here I awake...sleepless, dreamless, uncertain, and still fearing the future. Still afraid of what tomorrow may bring. Will I ever get rid of this fear?

Oh, another new thing with me...I've been listening to musicals more. Downloading the soundtracks to "Les Miserables", "Phantom Of The Opera", "Grease" and "West Side Story".

And...I bet you guys noticed (IF EVER ANYONE DOES READ THIS THING) for the first time...I'm actually writing what happened. I don't know why...have I lost the inspiration to actually write meaningful, insightful things? I don't know. But...maybe it will come back.

And that will be the end of this post, till next time...OH YEAH, THINKING OF WRITING ANOTHER BOOK...BUT STILL DONT HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS. Oh well..back to the goodbye...Until Next Time!

Tonight, tonight,
Won't be just any night.
Tonight there will be no morning star!
Tonight, tonight!
I'll see my love tonight,
And for us, stars will stop where they are!

Today, the minutes seem like hours;
The hours go so slowly, and still the sky is light.
Oh, moon, grow bright,
And make this endless day endless night!

The Death Of Nikki Del Carmen

"Here lies Michel Dominique Jacinto Del Carmen
Was Alone
Is Alone
Will Always Be Alone"

Something died inside me last night. I found out that someone whom I thought I would be able to spend the rest of my days with was in love with someone else.

It hurt me a lot. I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I don’t know why…whenever I saw her or heard her voice or saw her smile…I knew that I could do anything…even fly (thank God I never tried that).

Well…as the saying goes…shit happens. Life is a garden…dig it.

Something died inside me last night, as I said earlier. Something that I don’t think would ever come back.

A lot of people talked to me about it. Most of them said that it may have not been my time to be tied down. But…I don’t care. Sure they say that having a gf/bf isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. But…I want to feel the feeling of having someone there. The feeling of having someone who will walk with you when you’re all alone. The feeling where you know that when the shit hits the fan, someone is there to take the hit with you. Someone…special.

I don’t know. Maybe I was just expecting too much. The funny thing is…I don’t blame her. I’m happy that she found someone special. I’m happy that she isn’t lonely anymore. I’m happer for her. All I know is that maybe…me feeling this way is my fault. Don’t talk to me about "Internal Locus Of Control" shit. It is my fault. I knew that it would’ve been hard but…I don’t know. I expected that maybe…just maybe, the world would take pity on me and give me this chance.
I want someone in my life. And as some say, maybe I’m just looking too hard. Well…maybe I am. Sure, I someone may come by…someone even better (which I highly doubt) but who knows. No one really knows what tomorrow may bring. Sure, some say that God has a plan for us all…but I personally believe that God only knows what we may find.

If you read my previous post, I related myself to a tiger, as to what I had seen in the mandalay exercise. Come to think of it…tigers do not do well in packs. They hunt alone. Alone they were, alone they will always be. And am I destined to be like them?

Again, here I am. Feeling that I don’t have a purpose in life. Feeling that there is nothing I can do but let time do the healing.

I know a lot of you feel like you want to comfort me and stuff, and here I am telling you thank you in advance. But…this is something I have to deal with myself.

"If I ever see you face to face again, I'll ask you why...so soon. And in your grand debut from death, born again...for life I pray. I hate to see you haunting or in your private hell, I hope you make it. This prayer’s for you…this prayer’s for you…this prayer’s for you…Oh wax and wicker thar burned throughout the night, the light you shine made me smile. You are the candle that turns the darkness back, extinguished fire...I hate to see you haunting or in your private hell. I hope you make it! This prayer's for you, this prayer's for you...this prayers for you..." Prayer by Kapatid

Eye Of The Tiger

As I recall what I saw in the exercise, I remembered only one thing. Survivor’s song entitled "Eye Of The Tiger". "It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks its prey in the night and he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger…". The song itself summarizes what I feel and think about what I saw in the mandalay exercise.

Here’s what I saw in chronological order…everything I saw turned blue. Then from the shadows in my eyelids, I saw the eyes of an animal. As I looked closer, I saw the eyes of a ferocious and menacing tiger. However, I just dismissed it as nothing. Then, the eyes dissapeared into the shadows of my eyelids. Then another figure appeared in the shadows. I then saw the shape of the tiger’s body (after seeing this I was certain it was a tiger since I saw the stripes). It was moving slowly and cautiously as if it were stalking it’s prey.

This surprised me a bit since before we did the exercise, I saw that the examples ma’am had resembled more of a kaleidoscope rather than what I had seen.

I thought about it a lot. I didn’t know what it could mean. However, after reading the handout I came up with my own interpretation.

I saw two main colors in my head, blue and black. For me, the blue meant dangerous, and the unpredictable depth of the unconscious. The black on the otherhand meant darkness and evil. The intergration of our dark shadowy aspects into who we are. I chose these descriptions judging from the way the tiger looked and moved (as if it were stalking it’s prey). Then, I read on what the tiger meant itself.

Animals were said to mean instinctive, unrational and unconscious state of being. It symbolizes the energy that is still undifferentiated and yet unrationalized. It didn’t say anything in the handout about a tiger, so I got the interpretations of the closest thing…the lion. It said that it symbolized strength and fighting spirit. In layman’s terms a king. However, since I saw a tiger, I came up with these meanings since it said that the symbols that the animals represented were based on the animal’s natural attributes.

For me, the tiger was cautious, it was a natural born hunter. It knew what it wanted and how to get it. It is relentless, it didn’t let anything get in it’s way. And lastly, dangerous.

For me, all these symbols made sense. I always knew that I had a darker side. A side I knew I never wanted to see in my life. My primal side, the side that I know would come out when the need for it comes. My…as others put it, animal within. We all have a dark side. Or as stephen king puts it…the dark half. I knew that the tiger was a perfect symbol for myself. I always thought twice about what I was about to do. I am always in need of a good challenge, hence accounting etc. I never give up at anything. I am a fighter. I don’t let anything get in my way. And thus the tiger is the perfect symbol for me. And after seeing it, I now know that I do have a primal side. I have something to fear. However, I am my own worst enemy. Fear is the mind-killer. I must not fear it, and for me to fully comprehend who I am, I must defeat myself and thus fully comprehending my identity.

We all have this side. Whether you like it or not, we all have an animal within. However as others put it…its what you make of it that really matters. And…"It’s the eye of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight. Rising up to the challenge of our rival. And the last known survivor stalks its prey in the night and he’s watching us all with the eye of the tiger…". Sorry, I just wanted another chance to use this line!

First Impressions Last...

Everyone has a past. We do things because of numerous reasons that others may or may not know. However, a lot of people believe that his/her actions in the past show who the person really is, but for me, that isn't true.

From personal experience and certain reflections and revelations, i realized that a person's past cannot necessarily determine who that person really is. For you to know who someone really is, you have to do it the long and hard way...getting to know them. When you get to know a person and spend time with them, that is when you see the side that they usually show others. However, to see their natural and true side, you have to try even harder and get into the person's head.

However, getting into a person's head has its own dangers. Sometimes, you may find something you wish you had never ever known about that person. And in even worse cases, you may awaken something that shouldn't be awaken.

Again, back to the main topic. People change. They can change for better or for worse, depending on the situation. And well, if you are charged with someone you want to change, there's only one thing you can do, support it, complement the person and support him/her in any way possible.

People change. First Impressions are wrong. And well...it's up to you to see if what i have been saying is true...

“Choose life. Choose a job. Choose a career. Choose a family,
Choose a fucking big television, Choose washing machines, cars,
compact disc players, and electrical tin openers.
Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance. Choose
fixed-interest mortgage repayments. Choose a starter home. Choose
your friends.

Choose leisure wear and matching luggage. Choose a three piece
suite on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics. Choose DIY
and wondering who you are on a Sunday morning. Choose sitting on
that couch watching mind-numbing sprit-crushing game shows,
stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth. Choose rotting away
at the end of it all, pissing you last in a miserable home,
nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up
brats you have spawned to replace yourself. Choose your future.
Choose life.”

Why do we do things that we wouldn’t ever think of doing? We always want to become like people we look up to. People who are successful, people who are rich, and people who are happy. But again, why do we do things that we wouldn’t see ourselves do. Do drugs, smoke, cheat, lie.

Like in the movie Mr. Deeds, in the end of the movie, Adam Sandler made a speech to save the company his uncle put up. Along the speech, a lot of people ended up becoming the opposites of the things they wanted to be when they were younger. And one term that Adam Sandler used that got my attention was “if we ever came across the 3rd grade versions of ourselves, they’d beat the crap out of us” (more or less).

Now comes the movie Trainspotting. It’s about this group of friends and the path they took through life. It mainly revolves around Renton, who in the end sees that he has to change who he is to become a better person. Choose life! That’s his motto. And well we eventually have to change who we are now for the better to become successful and stuff…so I guess we do have to choose life. Stop smoking, drinking and doing drugs. We have to choose life!

“So why did I do it? I could offer a million answers, all false.
The truth is that I'm a bad person, but that's going to change,
I'm going to change. This is the last of this sort of thing. I'm
cleaning up and I'm moving on, going straight and choosing life.
I'm looking forward to it already. I'm going to be just like you:
the job, the family, the fucking big television, the washing
machine, the car, the compact disc and electrical tin opener,
good health, low cholesterol, dental insurance, mortgage, starter
home, leisurewear, luggage, three-piece suite, DIY, game shows,
junk food, children, walks in the park, nine to five, good at
golf, washing the car, choice of sweaters, family Christmas,
indexed pension, tax exemption, clearing the gutters, getting by,
looking ahead, to the day you die.”

The Butterfly Effect...

The flapping of a single butterfly's wing today produces a tiny change in the state of the atmosphere. Over a period of time, what the atmosphere actually does diverges from what it would have done. So, in a month's time, a tornado that would have devastated the Indonesian coast doesn't happen. Or maybe one that wasn't going to happen, does. (Ian Stewart, Does God Play Dice? The Mathematics of Chaos, pg. 141)

Basically, what that means is that one little thing, one little event can change a person's life forever. It means that there is no fate. Our actions determine our future, our outcome. The one cigarette stick that we do not smoke, the piece of paper that we forgot to throw, everything even the most little of things can and will most probably change our lives. Sure it looks like that it seems a bit too much and improper, but think about it for a while. At first a piece of paper may not seem as much but what if on that piece of paper was the phone number of the girl of your dreams? What would you think about it now?

In Newton's Third Law of Gravity, it states that for every action, there is an equivalent opposite reaction. This further supports my theory of Fate. It doesn't exist. Sure all of these are about science, however science can be applied to everything, such as math. Math is the universal language and science is just a branch of it. (e.g. Physics) You can apply it to anything and everything, once you know it and understand it.

Back to the point. We control our lives. There is no such thing as fate, no such thing as predestination. I have written about it a lot here in my blog. God is out there, I know it, however He/She did not give us a certain preplanned course to go by. God had given us one special gift besides dignity, which is free will.

Free will is a powerful word. Free will has crumbled nations, burned cities and brought men into power and out of power. One specific example is the People Power or as some people call it, EDSA I. Here, people opened their eyes and knew that they can and could make a difference. And they did. With that huge rally that happened along EDSA and other parts of Manila, President Marcos was overthrown. That is free will.

Our free will is what determines our future. The choices that we make, the paths that we alone choose is what really creates our future for us. This is the way we should live our life. Yes, we should praise God for creating us, however we cannot rely on Him/Her to get us out of troubles. We alone can do it.

What tomorrow is, is what yesterday brought. We cannot, I repeat CANNOT change the past, however we can learn from it, and be able to avert ourselves from doing that same mistake again. That is what makes us human, free will, intelect, dignity. These are what we should be thankful for. With those three, we are sculpting our own future. There is no fate, no predestination. We create our own tomorrows.

Identity Crisis…

I do not know who I am. I do not know what neither my weaknesses nor my strengths are. I do not know what my full potential is. I cannot trust my emotions at times since it has led me to bad situations in the past. I don’t know, maybe I could trust it at times.

I don’t know who I am. All I know for sure is what my friends tell me. I also know that I am not an open book. Here in my blog is the only place I actually put everything I feel. Sometimes, not even what I feel, but what I have learned. I put everything I have learned about myself here in this very blog. And I know that it still isn’t enough. There are still places in the deepest, darkest recesses of my mind that I dare not venture into because of the fear of what I may find.

What if in truth I have a demon waiting to be awakened inside me? I don’t know…who I am nor what I am capable of doing.

Someone asked me why I don’t open up…all I said in reply was…”How can I let people know who I am/what’s inside me, if I myself don’t know who I am/what’s inside me?”

What if I do have a dark side and when I let people in, I end up hurting them? I cannot risk that. I want to know who I really am. And I want to know all of it. Well, at least everyday I learn a little bit more about myself and hopefully in time…I would know enough…

Death…

Why do people have to die? Sure there are different reasons why people die. For instance, people die because of different crimes, others because of sicknesses, others of accidents, while others die of other causes.

I just finished watching the 2 episodes of season 2 of “Six Feet Under”, namely, episodes 14 and 15. It were the episodes where Nate (the elder of the 2 Fisher brothers) found out he had something in his brain that may eventually end up killing him. He didn’t want to tell anyone about it, but in the end of episode 15, he told David, his younger, gay brother about it. He was scared. And come to think of it…I would be too.

What if I woke up one day, to a big bed, with my wife looking at me with a smile on her face, with the kids running into the room telling me good morning? What if that morning I wore my suit, got my briefcase, papers and drove to work, but on the way to work I met an accident? What if I survived that accident without a scratch on me? What if I went back home, went to sleep and forgot it ever happened? What if, from that day on…I found out that from that accident, I had a blood clot in my brain and that that was the beginning of the end of my life?

What would happen to my wife, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends? What would happen to me? How would I take it? What would I do? What would I think? What?

Would I do anything possible to stay alive? Would I empty the bank accounts and look for the best doctors to cure me? Or would I then think about the kids and the wife? Would I then buy all of my kids education plans? Would I get a pension plan so at least when I’m gone, my family would still get some money to get by? Or…would I just sit down and wait for it?

To be honest, I do not know…I used to believe that I wasn’t afraid to die. I believed that it would come eventually and that it happens to everyone so there shouldn’t be anything that I should be afraid of. Oh, was I wrong. I started to think about it tonight. And to be honest…I am dead scared. I know I’m 18 fucking years old. I smoke…I don’t drink…I sleep irregularly…and I do drive recklessly sometimes. I am too young to be thinking about these stuff. I know that I’m just thinking crazy thoughts. But…all I know is that I do have a lot of plans for the future, but one thing I have come to realize among the years, is that plans change. Nothing goes according to plan. Something may happen that you wouldn’t have had thought of, which ends up screwing everything…but what the hell…dreams are only a guideline right?

So in the end, I am afraid to die. That’s one thing that I do know now for certain…I guess that you do learn something about yourself everyday huh?

An Excerpt from T.S. Eliot’s “The Hollow Men”

V

Here we go round the prickly pear
Prickly pear, prickly pear
Here we go round the prickly pear
At five o’clock in the morning.

Between the idea
And the reality
Between the motion
And the act
Falls the shadow

For thine is the kingdom

Between the conception
And the creation
Between the emotion
And the response
Falls the shadow

Life is very long

Between the desire
And the spasm
Between the potency
And the existence
Between the essence
And the descent
Falls the shadow

For thine is the kingdom

For thine is
Life is
For thine is the

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang, but a whimper.

We all want to make a difference in life. We all want to do something that everyone would remember us for; maybe something like…building a park for the disabled or a home for the homeless. However, did you ever think of the little people? People who don’t need a home, or a park? Everyday people? Some of these people, you may have helped in the past in one way or another. Maybe someone, you gave your few 5 peso coins to for lunch? Or someone who you just smiled at because he/she seemed like she was alone?

There is no real way of telling these things. And it is useless to go out with a bang. Because, if you do…after a couple of years, no one will really remember you. Or those few people that did remember you, remember you for the wrong reasons. I personally would prefer the people to remember me for the things that really meant something, like a street kid I bought all the flowers from for her to finally be able to get out of the rain and go home. Or the sick man, sitting outside Mc Donald’s asking for a few pesos.

I want those people to remember me, for being someone who showed them love, just for a brief moment when they felt alone in the world. I don’t want to go out in a bang. I just want to be remembered. How about you?

Dang...

It’s been a while since I posted something here. Well, I know I’ve been posting some..."meaningful" stuff in the past...and well I just kinda lost inspiration somehow. Anyway…well, here I am...and for the first time, I’m going to write about what happened to me today. I woke up at..9 in the morning, i just wanted to stay in bed and sleep. i bet all of you felt this before :D and well, in the process, skipped chem lab. I don’t...but apparently, after coming home from eastwood, my parents found out. i gave them the excuse na "free cut" but...alas now, they don’t believe me. could there be a mole, a snitch in my chem class? I don’t know.

Well, off the topic, i got a new book today. its pretty cool. "Collected Poems 1909-1962" by T.S. Eliot. Well, I wanted this book for a long long time na...but I finally got a reason to buy it... its for this damn paper we have in lit.

Here’s a poem from the book...


"Eyes That Last I Saw in Tears"
By T.S. Eliot

Eyes that i last saw in tears
Through division
Here in death's dream kingdom
The golden vision reappears
I see the eyes but not the tears
This is my affliction

This is my affliction
Eyes I shall not see again
Eyes of decision
Eyes I shall not see unless
At the door of death's other kingdom
Where, as in this,
The eyes outlast a little whistle
A little while, outlast the tears
And hold us in derision.

There are some things that we will not see for a long long time. A's in the report card, happy smiles from kids...even a loved one that had gone into a better place. These people we will not be able to see...anymore. However, even through death, we will still have our memories that will help us remember them in all of this. And hopefully, those memories, better good than ill, help us pass through this maze called life day after day. Even though they do die, they still live in our memories, when we relive the happy/sad moments we had with them.
It doesn’t matter if we do something memorable when we live, like build a hospital etc. but, what matters most are the memories that we leave with our friends, family, acquaintances when we leave this place called earth.

Guns...

A lot of people die due to guns. yes, i know. you might be thinking about war, but no. even if you do not know about it, a lot of guns have been used to kill in your country, your city, even your own neighborhood.

guns are bad. yes, i know it sounds so cliche, however, i'm sorry to say that it is true. a lot of lives have been lost due to guns. some of them were used to kill "bad" people, depending how you see it. however, most of them were used to kill innocent lives. just after reading the ff news headlines, you'd see my point.

1. Trigger-happy teeners gun down student in Manila
2. 2 go on shooting spree, kill 2
3. Couple killed inside jeepney
4. Guards in gunfight over land dispute
5. 3 hurt in shooting at IBP exec’s home

that i am sad to say, is merely a fraction of what was reported in newspapers. namely "The Philippine Daily Inquirer". there have been a lot of senseless deaths in this country alone with these tools of death, if i dare say so. everyone knows that guns are nothing but trouble, however, why does the country that we love so much (Philippines) still allow the carrying of guns. i know i am not in the position to say anything, but...why cant they just ban guns altogether?!? guns have been used in hundreds...even thousands of deaths in the Philippines alone. Why cant the government see this?!? with the banning of guns alone, thousands of lives can be saved by just signing a little piece of paper approving the gun ban.

the filipinos, have banded together in many occasions to achieve peace in this country, namely edsa 1 and 2. why cant we all band together and fight for another cause that needs our attention?!? please, whoever gets the chance of reading this "silly" little entry in my online journal...please think and contemplate on what i have just said. i know that the grammar is bad, however...i am not asking you to check my english skills. i do not want you to be an english teacher, but to be a human being, being open minded to the things that are happening around us.

please think about the things i have just said. make a difference. remember the names...Teddy Mojico, Ofelia Ruiz, Francisco Andes, Bernardo L. Obniala and Joseph A. Ivasco. they were killed unnecesarily. shot to death. please, remember these names and many others like them. help abolish the use of guns in our country. and soon, others may see our acts as an example and do as we did.