Somebody save me. Please.

Today might be the saddest day of my life. Up to the typing of this blog entry, I’ve cried over 4 times. I know it sounds weird and all, “Nikki Del Carmen, crying? WTF dude?!”

I know…it sounds unlikely but…it’s true. You know that feeling when you have something you hold dear so much, something that may mean more to you that everything else in the world? That something, that you’re willing to do anything and everything for. Well…remember that feeling. Hold that feeling deep inside you. Then, in a blink of an eye…destroy it with your own bare hands.

That’s what happened to me today. I had something so beautiful, something so nice in my hands…but I kept on poking and poking, kept on fidgeting with it and before I knew it, I broke it…before anything could’ve came out of it. It was nothing certain. It could’ve been something or nothing at all. But what it was at that moment…was great. But due to the stubbornness, the stupidity as well as the various emotions surging…that something may have become nothing.

I want to turn back time. I want to keep things from ending up like this. I didn’t want…don’t want to lose it. I don’t want it to go away. I want to fix it, no matter what it takes. People tell me to go away and leave it alone…but I can’t. If ever…I don’t want it to end like this. I don’t want everything to be over. I don’t want anything to be over. I want things just the way they were.

Bottom line is that I’m an idiot. I’m a fucking asshole, a bastard. And because of it…I destroyed something beautiful…before it had the possibility of it being something better. I’m an idiot. I’m stupid. I’m lying in bed not knowing what to do or what to say. I’m sitting in the darkness that seems to surround me even closer now, no light at the end of the tunnel, no sign of hope whatsoever…but I don’t want it to end. I don’t want it to end. I don’t want it to end. Even if it means sitting here in the dark by myself, sitting here all alone…waiting for the light to come back.

Somebody save me. Please. Why is it so hard to build something so beautiful, so great…but have it easily broken…by just a simple gesture, a simple word…something. Anything. Why? Why does it hurt like this? Why does it have to be like this? Why?

Somebody save me. Please. Somebody hold my hand because I’m scared. I’m sitting here…crying in the dark with no one to smile at me, no one to say hi, no one to tell me “hey, it’s okay.” No one to give me a hug to tell me everything’s gonna be alright. Because…I’m an idiot. Because I’m an asshole. Because I’m not worth anything anymore.

Somebody save me. Please. I don’t want to be strong anymore. I don’t want to keep pretending that everything about me, everything in my life is great when in truth…it’s not. And the one thing that was going so well…is not there anymore because I was such an idiot to break it. I want to break down. I want to just fall into someone’s arms and not leave. I don’t like this. Not one bit. I don’t like this. Not one bit.

Somebody save me. Please. Why does it have to be like this? Why does it have to hurt so much. I didn’t want this to happen. Not now, not ever. Why do I have to be so stupid? Why can’t I listen?

Somebody save me. Please.