Shit...

(Sorry to those who might be "grossed out by what I'm going to say in the first paragraph...)

Last week...after taking a crap, I peered into the toilet bowl. I got scared by what I saw...blood. I told my parents about it, and they said it might be nothing, but to tell them if it happens again. Earlier this afternoon...I took a crap again, and this time...there was more blood. It was the second time it happened, the first being last week. I told my mom first about it...and she was getting scared. I know...coz so was I. But...to keep up the facade that it might be nothing at all...I was laughing. After leaving their room...my mom called my dad who was watching TV downstairs...he ran up as fast as he could...and called me. My dad was talking about having me brought to the hospital this week for a colonoscopy. Then i was telling them that it may be just a wound or something...but my mom said...that it could be well...the big "c" (hyep...cancer).

I got scared...I had to get away. I just went off to ADMU and good thing, a friend was there...who just got back from Tagaytay. I was really going there to see her, but things turned a turn for the worst after what happened earlier. When i got there...I told her about it. She got mad at me (I understand why...) I mean...I didn't think about her at all...I just dumped everything on her...but she was a great help...trying to keep my mind off the whole thing. She stayed for only about 5 mins and asked me if I wanted to tag along with them to Starbucks...I replied no..and that I needed some time to clear my head and think...and think I did.

Ever since...I knew how and roughly when I'd die (Colon Cancer, between 75-80yrs) coz that's how most of the males in my mom's side of the family died. And almost everyone in my family would say...that I got most of my genes from my mom.

I never really thought about my death...since I knew it would be far from now...but the whole thing...gave me a new perspective on things. If ever this is colon cancer that I do have...I'd have a lot less time left. So now...I had to think. Think about my death....

I know, I know...some of you are yelling that there's a big chance that it's nothing. I know...but still...I have to come into grips with my death. I know that I will die sooner or later...(hopefully the latter). And that's the whole point of this...a venue for me to express my feelings and reflections on the matter at hand.

I have to accept the inevitability that I will die. Thus, in doing so, I recognize the potentialities of the whole thing. Being able to realize this, I can better manage my time and the way I do things. When I realize the potentialities that are brought about by my death...as Henry David Thoreau wrote in his book The Walden, "As I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." When I realize and come to grips with my doom, I will see things from another perspective. And as Brad Pitt said in the movie Troy "I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."

But...After all this thinking...I had to see an old friend. So I walked over to Gesu, sat down in one of the seats...and prayed. I asked God for strength...not for me...but for everyone else. Strength that I knew I had somewhere within...but a strength that not everyone can utilize. I knew my parents were scared...my female friend was too...and I knew that so was I. But after the whole praying and philosophizing...I wasn't as scared anymore...because to me, everything was becoming more beautiful...because I am doomed...and i know that I will never be lovlier than I am now...

Flagpole Sitter...

Okay, technically around 10:45-11:00pm last night (roughly a couple of hours ago) I had my first "lovers quarrel" technically...it wasn't a "lover's quarrel" since...we aren't lovers or anything...yet? I dunno...

Basically the gist of things, typical argument, boy meets girls, boy says something dumb, hurts girl's feelings...screaming and yelling and walk-outs over sms...it was ugly...I was scared shitless...believe me. (Okay, for those avid readers of my blog, I know you're thinking "OMG!! This isn't like Nikki! He's writing something about the day that he had!! He sold out! OMG!! Burn him at the stake!" trust me, like my earlier posts...this thing entails a sense of self discovery...so in the words of the numerous infomercial sales-folk out there "Just wait! There's more!") Anyhoo, she stopped being pissed at me at 2:00am, I know...What the hell did I do right? Long story...don't ask.

Okay, I had a point when I started this out...but...what was it? Damnit...wait... (enter long pause for reflection and occasional hitting of head on the wall)...I remember it had something to do with me, placing my self on a pedestal...wait...(more long pauses, and even more hitting of head against the wall)...OH! there got it!

I guess you're wondering why I chose to set up this post with the story of an argument I had with a lady friend I have...I guess it all comes down to me trying as hard as I can not to get into an argument with anyone. Well, not necesarily an argument, but basically just letting people down in general.

Basically, I had visions, I was in them, I was looking into the mirror to see a little bit clearer rottenness and evil in me. For the longest time, I've been distancing myself from people, well...not really distancing myself from them...nope, wrong terms. I'm afraid that a lot of people are becoming too dependent on me. A good friend once asked me why I was afraid of that, and that that is actually a good thing, giving me a sense of purpose and importance in life. I said that I was afraid because sooner or later I will let them down, one way or another. I reasoned that because of all the help that I've been giving people that subconsciously, they place me up on a pedestal. However, after that the events that transpired a while ago, and much reflection...it's not them that put me up on a pedestal, but rather it is I. (Okay...I know, all 2 of you who actually read this is probably going "Huh!?" right now, so let me rephrase that...i came to the conclusion that it isn't other people who are putting me up on a pedestal but rather, I'm the one that places myself up on a pedestal.)

I think too highly of myself. I put up high expectations for myself...some of which are impossible by normal human-kind standards. But those of you who know me...know that I am nothing but normal. But still...because of my expectations, and being up on a pedestal, a flagpole sitter if you will, once I mis-step I fall...(no, not the whole "I've fallen for you" type of fall...but more like plummet to your doom type of fall) and that probably explains my high internal locus of control (for those of you who haven't taken psych 101, its the term used to explain the state where if anything goes wrong, you explain it by using internal circumstances (e.g. I failed because I'm dumb).)

I know, I know...paranoia! Paranoia! Everybody's coming to get me...Just say you never met me. I'm running underground with the moles, digging holes...maybe this is all rantings coming from an insane person for all I know...and here I am again...drifting off topic...(Hello ADD!)

Maybe this whole fear of letting people down also explains why I'd rather take all the work for myself doing things alone...thinking/acting like I'm Superman or something...probably a god-complex too or something, haven't really thought about that perspective yet, maybe after a month of looking at the facts...again, drifting off topic. Back to the topic, I work alone, being the lone wolf that I am, because...if I fail, I don't want to drag anyone else down with me. I'd be able to take full responsibility for all the risks and mistakes that I had made. I know, this is something I shouldn't be doing and everything...but it's how I've been doing things...sure, it's wrong...and I guess that's the point of all of these posts, this whole blog being the venue for my self reflection.

I know...I'm not sick but I'm not well...and I'm so hot cause I'm in hell...

I wanna publish zines and rage against machines. I wanna pierce my tongue, it doesn't hurt it feels fine. The trivial sublime, I'd like to turn off time and kill my mind...

And maybe, if a proffesional or something finally sees this site or something...he'd put me in the hospital for nerves and then they had to commit me. He'd tell them all I was crazy, and they'd cut off my legs now I'm an amputee God damn you...

But, sometimes...being the last sane person in the world...does make you crazy...right?