What's Wrong With Me?

Here i am...debating about things that i have no control over. Thinking about what has become of me, thinking about what im doing wrong. Thinking...why.

Is there something wrong with me? Why is it, whenever i need somthing bad, or really want something and is willing to do anything to get it, i always make the dumbest mistakes. Mistakes that you know how to avoid, yet you still make them.

Why isnt there anyone out there who can see me for who i am, and well...i dunno. Know how i feel, see the things i see, believe in the things i believe in?

Here i am again, debating about someone. Whether or not i should go on chasing, or steer clear. Different voices appear in my head. Voices that say: "Go on!" or..."Nah!". Which one should i listen to? I am at a crossroads again. Staring blankly towards the ground, thinking, reflecting, discerning what i should do next.

Coz i feel so mad, i feel so angry, feel so careless, so lost confused again. I feel so cheap so used, unfaithful. And at times like these, I wish i was brave. I wish i were stronger, wish i could feel no pain. Wish i was young, wish i was shy. I wish i was honest, I wish i was him, not i. Sometimes i wish i was smart, I wish i made cures for how people are. I wish i had power, I wish i could lead. I wish i could change the world...

I wish i was everything i wasnt. i wish i was everything i wanted to be. I wish...for a day where i can be perfect. I wish...i was a billionaire.

I am all those things, but those are the qualities that i too do not have. I know its confusing. It's basically the paradox of my existence. We are all we are, nothing more nothing less. But...when we do stop striving for perfection, we might as well be dead.

and..here's something i've been listening to lately..."Last Summer" by Lostprophets

The Friday sun bears down again
As we drive without friends
And on these longest days we spend
All the time trying to pretend
That our stories could be true
Our chance to be cool
The setting sunset says the day is through
If only we knew...
And we all sit around here in our home town
Listen to the waves as they all crash down
And watch the fire as it slowly burns away
Glowing embers fly across the sky

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer
The view from our last summer...
We trace the sun across the sky

And we laugh till we cry
Always so hard to say goodbye (good bye)
And we all sit round here in our home town
It's so good like this, these are times we'll miss
The memories, I hope they'll never fade
Glowing embers lie across the sky

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view through our last summer
The view from our last summer...

I would stop time to stay with you
I would stop time so we don't move
I would stop time
I would stop time
I would stop time to keep you

Here by my side, in my summer, our last summer
The world passes by in my summer, our last summer
The light makes shadows fall, surrounded by each other
Alive to watch it all, the view from our last summer

...yep...our last summer.

Dust In The Wind...

As the coffin lowers into the grave, the preacher says: "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust..."

Everything has an end. Every song has an ending verse. Every poem has an ending line. Every bag of potato chips has a last chip...(i know this all to well...*sigh) And...every movie has ending credits.

Yes, it's true...we are all going to die! Accept it! We are all going to bite the dust some day. And well...all we can do I guess is....live life to the fullest. Like in Macbeth: "Eat, drink and be merry!"

Last night, I was awake till...hmmm...3am. I was talking to a friend (online not phone) and she was sad coz she was wondering when her..."Knight In Shining Armor" would arrive..and I told her...He will. And after that..I started typing the lyrics to...hmm..."Think Of Me" from "The Phantom Of The Opera". Coz, at the same time, I was listening to the soundtrack and trying to see how much are tickets to that play. Of course, I tried booking tickets at "Her Majesty's Theatre" in London (shempre..the best diba?) and well...explained to her that maybe..some day..when im making money. I'll take my "special someone" to london, see the play or two (Les Miserables pa..) and if...we were together for a long time....then walk across London Bridge, ask her to stop and wait. Get on one knee, as if i were going to tie my shoelaces and bring out a ring and ask her to marry me...(sweet diba? ehehehehe)

Well...ive been thinking about the future a lot lately. Especially after my friend was talking about waiting for her "Knight in Shining Armor".

So..i thought to myself..."when will my knight in shining armor come...whoops...mali...when will my damnsel in distress call for my help?" Will she ever come?

I dunno...but all i know is, all i can do is wait. Wait for the right time and most probably, there will be a girl out there, willing to love someone like me (eck..drama)...haha well there. And i know...that the future will catch up with me...sooner or later. And in the end...there will be an end. An end to my talking like this. An end to my lonliness...an end to my sadness.

Because..in the end, we're all Dust in the Wind.

And..i bet you guys noticed. I've been leaving songs at the end..well...heres one. Dust In The Wind by Kansas:

I close my eyes,
Only for a moment,
and the moment's gone
All my dreams,
Pass before my eyes,
in curiosity

C: Dust in the wind,
all they are is
dust in the wind

Same old song,
Just a drop of water
in an endless sea
All we do,
Crumbles to the ground,
though we refuse to see

C: Dust in the wind,
all they are is
dust in the wind
[2]

Don't hang on,
Nothing last forever
but the earth and sky
It slips away,
And all your money
won't another minute buy

C: Dust in the wind,
all we are is
dust in the wind
Dust in the wind,
everything is dust in the wind

Friendship Is Great, Do You Know What I'm Sayin?!

Okay...judging from the title, you guys might know what this is all about.

The past few months, I came and realized that there are really good friends. Not just the people who hang out with you and stuff. True friends. People whom have no relation to you at all, but treat you as well as a brother.

I've had a lot of them actually. But, mainly found them in HS. Friends that I have known since my nursery and grade school days. I didn't think that I would be able to find any true friends in college. Well...really good friends, yeah, but true...nope.

Until I reached days when I was at my all time lows. Then, to my surprise, there were a lot of people there, willing to help me and do anything they could for me. Thats what a true friend is. and i know, because i would do it too when the need arose.

I dont see myself as a true friend, but thats what i think. If you really want to know, why not ask the people who know me best, my friends. They're the people who i hang around with, the people who see me at my best, even my worst. You. You should know who i am better than me..

So...here i am, again leaving you with a song. Now it's from Tenacious D, entitled "Friendship"

Friendship is rare,
Do you know what I'm sayin' to you?
Friendship is rare.
My derriere,
When you find out much later
That they don't really care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?

Oh shit there's a bear,
Could you hand me that shotgun buddy,
Also that chair?
We're fighting a bear
Now your life's in grave danger
And you don't even care.
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me, can't you see?
It's rare to me,
Say a prayer for me,
'Cause it's rare to be In Tenacious D.

Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!

Friends will be friends
They're running naked in the sand,
Friends holding hands
Will someday surely form a band,
Friends will be friends
They say that friends are friends
To the bitter end.
Long-as-there's-a-record-deal-we'll-always-be-friends!
Long as there's a record deal we'll always be friends, yeah

enjoy!

Tonight, Tonight...

Well, I'm back. I haven't written here for a long long time...The last time i wrote was when...the you know what happened nung...you know when. And finally...after...2 months, I'm finally over it.

Well, do i dare say that i may have found someone else? Or will she be another chapter in "Nikki's Book Of Bigo"? We shall never know. Only time can tell.

Well, what was up? Last weekend, my block and I went to batangas. And she was there...hayyy...I dunno..the guys have been telling me that it looked.."fruitful" but...who is sure right?

I failed psych 101, yes I know...I don't know why but..it happened. Maybe, I just underestimated it...paying more attention to accounting.

Thats what was up the past few weeks. And now, here I awake...sleepless, dreamless, uncertain, and still fearing the future. Still afraid of what tomorrow may bring. Will I ever get rid of this fear?

Oh, another new thing with me...I've been listening to musicals more. Downloading the soundtracks to "Les Miserables", "Phantom Of The Opera", "Grease" and "West Side Story".

And...I bet you guys noticed (IF EVER ANYONE DOES READ THIS THING) for the first time...I'm actually writing what happened. I don't know why...have I lost the inspiration to actually write meaningful, insightful things? I don't know. But...maybe it will come back.

And that will be the end of this post, till next time...OH YEAH, THINKING OF WRITING ANOTHER BOOK...BUT STILL DONT HAVE ANY GOOD IDEAS. Oh well..back to the goodbye...Until Next Time!

Tonight, tonight,
Won't be just any night.
Tonight there will be no morning star!
Tonight, tonight!
I'll see my love tonight,
And for us, stars will stop where they are!

Today, the minutes seem like hours;
The hours go so slowly, and still the sky is light.
Oh, moon, grow bright,
And make this endless day endless night!