Shit...

(Sorry to those who might be "grossed out by what I'm going to say in the first paragraph...)

Last week...after taking a crap, I peered into the toilet bowl. I got scared by what I saw...blood. I told my parents about it, and they said it might be nothing, but to tell them if it happens again. Earlier this afternoon...I took a crap again, and this time...there was more blood. It was the second time it happened, the first being last week. I told my mom first about it...and she was getting scared. I know...coz so was I. But...to keep up the facade that it might be nothing at all...I was laughing. After leaving their room...my mom called my dad who was watching TV downstairs...he ran up as fast as he could...and called me. My dad was talking about having me brought to the hospital this week for a colonoscopy. Then i was telling them that it may be just a wound or something...but my mom said...that it could be well...the big "c" (hyep...cancer).

I got scared...I had to get away. I just went off to ADMU and good thing, a friend was there...who just got back from Tagaytay. I was really going there to see her, but things turned a turn for the worst after what happened earlier. When i got there...I told her about it. She got mad at me (I understand why...) I mean...I didn't think about her at all...I just dumped everything on her...but she was a great help...trying to keep my mind off the whole thing. She stayed for only about 5 mins and asked me if I wanted to tag along with them to Starbucks...I replied no..and that I needed some time to clear my head and think...and think I did.

Ever since...I knew how and roughly when I'd die (Colon Cancer, between 75-80yrs) coz that's how most of the males in my mom's side of the family died. And almost everyone in my family would say...that I got most of my genes from my mom.

I never really thought about my death...since I knew it would be far from now...but the whole thing...gave me a new perspective on things. If ever this is colon cancer that I do have...I'd have a lot less time left. So now...I had to think. Think about my death....

I know, I know...some of you are yelling that there's a big chance that it's nothing. I know...but still...I have to come into grips with my death. I know that I will die sooner or later...(hopefully the latter). And that's the whole point of this...a venue for me to express my feelings and reflections on the matter at hand.

I have to accept the inevitability that I will die. Thus, in doing so, I recognize the potentialities of the whole thing. Being able to realize this, I can better manage my time and the way I do things. When I realize the potentialities that are brought about by my death...as Henry David Thoreau wrote in his book The Walden, "As I went into the woods because I wanted to live deliberately. I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life... to put to rout all that was not life; and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived." When I realize and come to grips with my doom, I will see things from another perspective. And as Brad Pitt said in the movie Troy "I'll tell you a secret. Something they don't teach you in your temple. The Gods envy us. They envy us because we're mortal, because any moment might be our last. Everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. You will never be lovelier than you are now. We will never be here again."

But...After all this thinking...I had to see an old friend. So I walked over to Gesu, sat down in one of the seats...and prayed. I asked God for strength...not for me...but for everyone else. Strength that I knew I had somewhere within...but a strength that not everyone can utilize. I knew my parents were scared...my female friend was too...and I knew that so was I. But after the whole praying and philosophizing...I wasn't as scared anymore...because to me, everything was becoming more beautiful...because I am doomed...and i know that I will never be lovlier than I am now...