Shite...

Here I am. As you can tell, according to the "time posted" I haven't been sleeping. And this time, not due to school work...Well technically yes..But really no. School has been keeping me up a lot. But majority of the time, its not the work...But the fear. The fear is back. The fear of what tomorrow may bring. The fear that the consequences of my actions in the past will someday return and haunt me. The fear that I am not good enough. Fear of who I am, and who I will become.

According to Albert Dondeyne...there are three compontents to hitoricity. These three components are...1. that I am an embodied spirit 2. I am a being-together-with-others and 3. a being living in time. In this thought, I would rather focus on the second component...the "I am a being-together-with-others" one.

It is said that we as human beings...basically have a mutualism relationship going on. We get things from others while we ourselves give things too. We cannot rely on our own...as the cliche goes...no man is an island. Thus we rely on others, as well as others rely on us. This is the part that i am indeed skeptical of...well to be honest...weary of.

Sometimes, it is better to be on your own. Well...not sometimes in my case...but most of the time. As another cliche goes..."if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself..." I believe in that line. Usually, in group works, I would rather do majority of the work, basically to ensure the security and the quality of the work is indeed up to my standards (which, for those who know me...isn't that high) but still...

Another reason why i would rather be alone...is...bascially for the betterment of other people. I have demons in my closet. Sure, some people say that they have skeletons in my closet...but compared to mine, those are just bunnies compared to what I have. At least skeletons don't speak to you, or haunt you. My demons haunt me on a regular basis. The demons of my past would never allow me to forget the thing that happened in my past. I know a lot of you are saying right now, as you read this entry that they haunt me because I cannot forgive myself for those deeds that i shall not may any mention of in any of my entries or verbally. Sure, it may be guilt that keeps them hanging there, however...it is not guilt that ails me every night..it is fear.

According to Sir Isaac Newton's third law of gravity..."for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." This law also coincides with the Chaos Theory, which therein states that every action has a consequence. Such as, if a butterfly flaps its wings over India, it causes a hurricane over South Florida (this, is something that I have yet to prove, however it is an example often used to reiterate the Chaos Theory).

I have accepted my deeds in the past. I have accepted and acknowledged the fact that I have demons. The things keeping me up at night, as I have explained earlier is fear. Fear of who I am and fear of what I WILL become. I fear that the actions that I have done in the past, will undoubtedly affect my life in the coming future ( a comic example...in the future, if ever i become rich, and powerful...pictures of me in a skirt shall be released into the public thus ruining my business and my career). Or...for a more realistic example...my failure to attain the required QPI of 19 last school year. Due to this, a bigger burden has been cast upon my shoulders to meet certain requirements that at this point in time is undoubtedly looking rather grimm. Or another example would be my lax behavior in handling my Music Night team regarding the finding of sponsors to fund the event. Which at this point looks even more grimm due to the fact that we do not have the funds to be able to pay for the acts and other such things.

But what does this have to do with being alone? What does this have to do with unacknowledging the second component of historicity?

In the end, what I am trying to say is...that I am a lone wolf. I tiger that stalks the jungles alone. Even though I am in constant look out for my other (which I still have to find out who...which i hope to realize in Philosophy 102 with Mr. Soh if ever I do reach second semester). But again, to the point...I push people away. It's not that I do not want the company...but it is because I fear for you...I fear that one day, I will hurt you. Fear that one day...you might hurt me.

Fear...aint it a sucker?