The Death Of Nikki Del Carmen

"Here lies Michel Dominique Jacinto Del Carmen
Was Alone
Is Alone
Will Always Be Alone"

Something died inside me last night. I found out that someone whom I thought I would be able to spend the rest of my days with was in love with someone else.

It hurt me a lot. I didn’t think it would hurt this much. I don’t know why…whenever I saw her or heard her voice or saw her smile…I knew that I could do anything…even fly (thank God I never tried that).

Well…as the saying goes…shit happens. Life is a garden…dig it.

Something died inside me last night, as I said earlier. Something that I don’t think would ever come back.

A lot of people talked to me about it. Most of them said that it may have not been my time to be tied down. But…I don’t care. Sure they say that having a gf/bf isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. But…I want to feel the feeling of having someone there. The feeling of having someone who will walk with you when you’re all alone. The feeling where you know that when the shit hits the fan, someone is there to take the hit with you. Someone…special.

I don’t know. Maybe I was just expecting too much. The funny thing is…I don’t blame her. I’m happy that she found someone special. I’m happy that she isn’t lonely anymore. I’m happer for her. All I know is that maybe…me feeling this way is my fault. Don’t talk to me about "Internal Locus Of Control" shit. It is my fault. I knew that it would’ve been hard but…I don’t know. I expected that maybe…just maybe, the world would take pity on me and give me this chance.
I want someone in my life. And as some say, maybe I’m just looking too hard. Well…maybe I am. Sure, I someone may come by…someone even better (which I highly doubt) but who knows. No one really knows what tomorrow may bring. Sure, some say that God has a plan for us all…but I personally believe that God only knows what we may find.

If you read my previous post, I related myself to a tiger, as to what I had seen in the mandalay exercise. Come to think of it…tigers do not do well in packs. They hunt alone. Alone they were, alone they will always be. And am I destined to be like them?

Again, here I am. Feeling that I don’t have a purpose in life. Feeling that there is nothing I can do but let time do the healing.

I know a lot of you feel like you want to comfort me and stuff, and here I am telling you thank you in advance. But…this is something I have to deal with myself.

"If I ever see you face to face again, I'll ask you why...so soon. And in your grand debut from death, born again...for life I pray. I hate to see you haunting or in your private hell, I hope you make it. This prayer’s for you…this prayer’s for you…this prayer’s for you…Oh wax and wicker thar burned throughout the night, the light you shine made me smile. You are the candle that turns the darkness back, extinguished fire...I hate to see you haunting or in your private hell. I hope you make it! This prayer's for you, this prayer's for you...this prayers for you..." Prayer by Kapatid